


Little Miss Perfect

by AnnieLoveHappens



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF, Trixya - Fandom
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Smut, High School, I.Q. Kitty Trixie Mattel, Lesbian Katya Zamolodchikova, Lesbian Trixie Mattel, Religious Conflict, Russian Katya Zamolodchikova, Smut, Song: Little Miss Perfect, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:01:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 28,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27573499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieLoveHappens/pseuds/AnnieLoveHappens
Summary: Straight hair. Straight A's.  Straight forward.Straight girl.Little Miss Perfect.That's Trixie Mattel...This story is based on the song Little Miss Perfect by Joriah Kwamé
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 120
Kudos: 142





	1. A New Reality

_**Katya** _

First day of senior year. First day at a new school in a new country.  
Love that for me.

The school looks pretty much the same as my school back in Russia did, but it feels completely different. You see, I am half American, but we left the U.S. when I was only a baby and followed my dad back home to Russia. However, recently my parents decided to move back to America since my mom missed her country, and since I lost my chances at being an Olympic gymnast when my very homophobic coach found out I was gay. Yeah, gay in Russia is not something you wanna be. 

Hi, by the way. My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but you can call me Katya. I'm 17, extremely lesbian, I drive a motorbike, and I recently cut my hair short and gave myself bangs because the answer to the age old question; _"should I get bangs?"_ is always yes.

"Cool bike." An absolutely gorgeous girl with long dark hair tells me. 

"Thank you." I reply politely. I may look intimidating, but I am never mean.

"Is that an accent?" The girl asks. Damn it, I really thought I was getting better at speaking American. 

"Uhm yeah, I'm from Russia, but my mom's American."

"Nice, I'm from here. I'm Tatianna by the way." She says reaching out a hand as she smiles brightly.

"I'm Yekaterina, but just call me Katya." I respond, shaking her hand.

"Katya sounds like the easier choice, thanks. You want me to show you around?" Tatianna offers.

"That would be great, thank you." 

We walk into the school, the amount of students swarming the halls make me a little claustrophobic, but Tatianna guides me through with ease and helps me get everything I need from the office.

"Ah, here's your locker." Tatianna says. I type in the code I've been given and put my stuff inside as I grab a couple books for my first class.

"Adore! Over here!" Tatianna yells and I see a girl dressed in a band t-shirt and fishnets walk towards us.

"Hi!" The girl greets us instantly.

"Hey, I'm Katya."

"Party! I'm Adore." She replies in an excited tone.

"Katya's from Russia, she just moved here." Tatianna says.

"Oh wow, that must be an adjustment. Why'd you move?" Adore asks.

"Well, my mom is American, so she missed her country. But also I was a gymnast, but I got caught kissing a girl on my team by my coach, and well Mother Russia doesn't like lesbians all that much." I reply honestly.

"Ah, you're gay?" Tatianna asks in a hushed tone.

"I'm as gay as they come." I say happily and very loudly.

"Yeah, you might not wanna announce that to the world." Adore says.

"Why not? I thought America was more open towards lgbtq people?" I ask confused.

"Oh sure, a lot of America is, this particular school tho is not." Adore informs me, which makes my face drop. I'd left my country to be more free, not to go into hiding again. 

"Well, I don't wanna hide it. I hid it enough back at home." I reply.

"That's fair, I'm gay and Adore's bi, we just don't want you to get hurt. Although, you will probably get a bad reputation from just hanging with us." Tatianna says.

"Why? You are nice?"

"Well, because we're known to be out of the closet, we party alot, and we skip school quite a bit. People here are real goody two shoes." Adore explains. 

"Ah." I reply, nodding in understanding. "I don't really care what people think, I like you, so I would like to keep hanging out with you." I add with a shrug.

"Cool, you're very welcome to." Tatianna says with a warm smile.

Just then the most stunning girl I have ever seen walks by. She has long blonde straight hair, huge boobs, a tiny waist, wide hips, long legs, and thick thighs. She's wearing a little preppy blue 60s dress, a Barbie purse, white socks with a lace trim, and white platform shoes. She looks like a doll, almost as if Barbie grew in size and came to life.

"Woah, who is she?" I ask as I stare at her.

"Little miss perfect? No, don't even think about it." Adore replies. I turn to her confused.

"What? Why?" 

"Katya, have you ever seen American high school movies?" Adore asks.

"Ehm, yeah." I say. Of course I have, I love them. Especially Heathers and Jawbreaker because they are also just so dark.

"Well, you know how there will like a really smart girl who's a mathlete, and then a really popular and spoiled girl who's head cheerleader, then there's the gorgeous prom queen, and then the student body president, and then there's the good girl who never drinks or sleeps with anyone who's also really religious?" Adore says.

"Yeah, sure." I reply, still very confused.

"Meet Trixie Mattel, she is all of that." Tatiana states.


	2. A Doll's House

_**Trixie** _

I stare at my reflection.   
This is good right?   
My hair perfectly straightened, and my makeup done intricately enough to show effort but without being too much. I've picked out a light blue 60s dress, short enough to show some leg, but covered enough to not be perceived as slutty. On my feet are white ankle socks with a lace trim to balance out my white platform heels.

Being perfect is difficult, it's a fulltime job. I can't be seen as too stuck up or guys won't like me and my popularity would shrink, but I also can't be seen as slutty because that makes me dirty in the eyes of God. I have to walk the line constantly. I have to be cute but sexy, slutty but a prude, never drink but always party, never have sex but makeout with enough guys to stay cool.

I do every activity to avoid being on the outside of anything.   
I am every person, to avoid being who I fear I might be. 

Little miss perfect...   
I know that's what they all call me, either as a drag or as a name of endearment. 

To the outside world I seem like the image of perfection.  
I'm a human Barbie doll, changing my outfit from job to job, uptaining every profession of high school. Trapped in a need to meet everyone else's expectations.

Before exiting my bedroom I pick up a small silver cross and hang it around my neck as I make my way downstairs to the breakfast table. There my dad sits with his newspaper and my mom serves up his eggs. A perfect family, almost like a picture from a 50s magazine. My parents are rich, we live in a large house, my dad works, but my mom stays at home. Perfect.

But I know it's all a house of cards.   
It's like living in a dollhouse, and no one outside knows.

Dad's sleeping with his secretary, a damn cliché. She thinks he will leave mom. She doesn't know he's only playing with her. Mom can't confront him about it, he gets too angry for that.

Mom's a drinker. She wasn't always, but with all of dad's affairs it's gotten that way. She thinks I don't know, but I see the empty bottles in the trashcans in the morning.

And then there's me.

"Good morning darling." My father says with a smile.

He likes me well enough. I'm a trophy to him. He doesn't really care about me, he cares about the fact that I represent his success as a father. He wants me to be like a porcelain doll, sat on a shelf for people to stare at and admire. 

"Good morning father." I say, folding my hands on the table, knowing mom will want us to say grace.

Mom got more religious after dad started slipping away, claimed she found God. I don't know how I feel about it, but all I've ever been taught is to believe, and so I do.

My mom joins the table and folds her hands, my dad joining seconds later.

"Thank you God for all the gifts you give us. We bless you for this wonderful meal and hope you continue to watch over us. Amen." My mom says.

"Amen." Me and dad reply before eating.

After breakfast I head out to my car. It is pretty much a Barbie jeep. One because I love Barbie, two because I love the color pink, and three because I love Cher from Clueless and wanted a jeep because of that. Also my parents like to spoil me instead of actually putting attention into building a real relationship with me, so I pretty much got to choose any car I wanted.

"Hi Trixie." Blair says as I exit the vehicle.

"Good morning, Blair." I reply, always remembering to be as polite as possible.

"What do you have first today?" She asks as we enter the school building.

"Math, so that should be fun." I reply as many of the kids make room for us to pass through the hall with ease.

You see, in this school you of course have your jocks and your cheerleaders, who are all popular in their own right, but really there are only 5 blonde girls that are truly on top of the food chain.

Blair St. Clair, total sweetheart, a child of God and a symbol of innocence, and the lead in every musical production.

Farrah Moan, total babe, looks like Christina Aguilera but can't dance or sing, very rich and quite spoiled, really fun at parties, and sleeps around with most of the football team.

Courtney Act, absolutely gorgeous, knows everything about everyone, beautiful singing voice, and atheist but on the cheerleading team so no one really cares. 

Alyssa Edwards, huge personality, very Christian and daughter of the minister at our church, and my 2nd in command on the cheer team.

And then there's me, Trixie Mattel.   
Most popular girl in school, constantly jumping from every activity I lead in order to seem smart, religious, popular, fun, sexy, sweet, serious, and all around perfect.

As we make our way through the halls I spot a girl with atomic blonde hair, deep red lips and ocean blue eyes. I've never seen her before, and believe me I know everyone in school, I've made sure of that. She's standing with Adore and Tatianna, which in itself is terrifying enough, but I see her smile and I feel a tingling sensation in my stomach that I've never felt before.   
I can't help but admire her stunningly sharp features and her strong physique.   
Wait, when did I start to think tattoos were cool? 

Damn, those red lips look kissable.

No. Stop it Trixie.  
This isn't you.

Get those thoughts out of your head.  
You're not like that.

You're perfect.  
You've got straight hair, straight A's, just keep moving straight forward.  
You're a straight girl.

Yeah, that's right... totally straight.


	3. A Lost Girl

_**Katya** _

I enter my first class, feeling my heart race as my eyes zoom in on the pink confection who's sitting in the middle of the first row, books perfectly organized on the desk in front of her;

Trixie Mattel.

God, she's beautiful.

She looks at me for a second, and I swear I see her tongue peak out to wet her lips before she swallows and looks down at her desk again. And fuck me, my ovaries just exploded.   
Jesus this girl... Is it possible for someone to be unconciously flirtatious? 

She looked nervous when she did it, and not like she was trying to flirt at all, plus according to Adore and Tatianna she's straight as a pole, and yet from just that one little peak of her tounge I feel completely fucked out. 

I walk to an empty desk in the corner at the back of the classroom knowing the first class is math which is so far from my favorite subject. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at school, I'm great at writing and stuff, but math... math is impossible to like.

"Okay, welcome back everyone. For those who haven't had me before; my name is Ms. Visage. I accept absolutely no bullshit in my class, so if you wanna argue you can leave that attitude at the door. Now, I see we have a knew student, Katya Zamold...Zamolidhi... God, maybe you should just say it yourself." The teacher says. I stand up from my seat a little awkwardly, whilst trying to still keep some sort of cool mystery about myself.   
What? I like some drama. 

"Hello, I am Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but you can call me, Katya. I just moved here from Russia." I say, trying my best not to speak with too much of an accent.

"Well, welcome Katya." Ms. Visage says as I sit down. "Now, I've gone through all of your scores from last year, and I think what we should do is divide you into study pairs of one weaker and one stronger student so that everyone has a fighting chance of improving. This will involve you sitting together in class and I also expect you to study for tests together." The woman adds.

She starts reading out names and I'm surprised as I don't hear Trixie's name right away as she is apparently the captain of the mathlete's. I am however less surprised that I'm not called first. I'm bad at math, but not bottom of the class bad.

"Okay, that just leaves Trixie and Katya. Katya, I know you are far from the weakest, but I thought it might be nice to be with someone really strong in case there are any language barriers or any cultural things that take time to adjust to. Now, please get to know eachother and try to solve pages 4-8 together." The woman states. I nod with a little smile, whilst fully panicking on the inside.

How am I supposed to sit next to that fucking Goddess without fucking up?  
I was fine with admiring her from a distance, but I don't know if I can refrain from flirting if she's literally right next to me. Of course, this also means getting a reason to talk to her.

Trixie collects her books and walks over, I stare at her thick thighs as she makes her way to the desk next to mine.

Jesus, Kathinka, stop being a creep.

"Hello, I'm Katya." I say politely, trying not to sound nervous and trying for the life of me not to stare at her boobs.

"Hi, I'm Trixie." She says in a shy tone, a pink blush coating her cheeks. Her stunningly deep honey brown eyes travel across my form and once again I see her swallow thickly.

Now listen, I'm not saying I know when someone isn't straight. But living in Russia for so long did teach me to recognize signs of suppressed queers, and I am really starting to think that this girl might not be as straight as she wants people to think.

"So Russia?" Trixie says awkwardly as she holds the little silver cross necklace she's wearing. I decide to test the waters a little by licking my own lips, knowing the red lipstick will make it look more suggestive. Her eyes follow the movement intensely, and there's that blush again.

Yeah, no way in hell is this girl straight.

"Yup, but my mom's American. I haven't been here since I was a baby tho." I reply.

"Oh, I see. Why did you move?" Trixie asks, clearly more comfortable at the casual subject, but I know my next answer will throw that comfort out the window.

"Well, I was a gymnast training for the Olympics, but my coach caught me making out with a girl on my team and well, lesbians aren't really loved all that much in Russia." I reply honestly.

It's almost as if I can see her mind processing the information, the lustful gaze that fills her eyes as she thinks about me likely being very flexible, and the panic and fear in regards to me being gay.

Yeah, she's one hundred percent stuck in the closet, possibly in self-denial.

"Oh... okay." She says, a deep blush coating her cheeks as she swallows thickly once again. "Let's focus on finishing the assignments." She says, staring intensely down at the book.

"Anything you say, кукла." I reply with a smirk before focusing on the tasks.


	4. In The Eyes Of God

_**Trixie** _

"Trixie? What do you think? Trix, are you even listening?" Farrah says, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

"Huh, what is it?" I reply as I put my books into my bag.

"Nevermind.. What's up with you?" She asks curiously.

"Oh nothing, I'm just not feeling so well." I say, quickly making up an excuse.

"Oh, okay then. Hope you feel better soon." The girl replies, dropping the subject as we exit the classroom and part ways.

Truth is, my mind has been filled by the pretty Russian girl all day...   
I've been trying so hard not to think about her. Tried to force my brain to stop imagining how flexible she must be. Tried to stop myself from being intrigued and impressed by the fact that she was training for the Olympics. Tried not to think about the way her wet tounge licked her cherry red lips. Katya... even the name is fascinating.

Why am I like this?  
What's wrong with me?

I shouldn't be having these thoughts...  
I shouldn't be imagining what those red lips would feel like against my own, shouldn't be imagining those strong arms pulling me close, shouldn't be thinking about those long fingers going inside me. She's a sinner, she even shamelessly admitted to it, and yet that doesn't make me want her any less.

Why are her eyes so beautiful?  
Why is her smile so bright?  
Why must she seem so kind?

Stop it, Trixie. This is wrong.   
God will hate you, your parents will disown you, you can't be... I'm not, I'm not.. that... I'm normal.

I take hold of my cross, needing the strenght and protection of my religion.

Jesus and God are the only ones who may hold my love, they are who my virgin soul belongs to, and I will keep my pledge to stay pure.   
This is just a test. Yeah, that's all it is. God's testing me and my devotion to him because I've had doubts recently. I just have to stay strong and then all this will pass. These silly emotions, they're just delusions of grandeur. It's not real.

Katya may seem kind and intriguing but I see her for her true form, she is the snake in the Garden of Eden, tempting me to take a bite out of the apple. She is the devil's siren, singing me a song of deception to drown me, a spider trying to capture me in it's web.  
No, I must resist. I am certain now, God's will is for me to resist this temptation and once that test is over I'll be free of all these confusing thoughts. I'll be safe in God's hands, and I'll be freed from this labyrinth of frightening emotions. 

Well, fortunately I believe, so I understand that it's wrong... lucky me...

I walk out of the school and there she is. I feel my heart speed up and I grip onto my cross harder, begging my heart to calm down. She mounts her motorbike, those strong thighs pressing against the side of it. She's the image of a bad girl, someone you know you should stay away from, and yet with every action she seems to pull me closer.   
Her eyes catch mine and it is as if I can see the fire of desire in them. The devil's flame that burns inside her and attempts to devour my form, scorching my skin, undressing me greedily. Those ocean blue eyes that seem to glow red like embers as she smirks at me before driving away. 

Dear God, give me strenght to resist this temptress. Have mercy on me, I beg of you. Free me from this hell.   
I can't be this. I won't be.   
You can't have made me this...   
For what sin have I comitted to deserve this punishment?

Unless..   
unless you don't exist at all, God...  
The question fills me with fear and regret, just thinking it makes me feels as if my soul is being ripped to pieces, and suddenly it seems as if I am standing on a cliff, looking down on a dark abyss.

No, you must exist, you have to.  
I live my life through you.   
All I've ever learned is to follow your bidding. All I've ever done is beg forgiveness for the sinful thoughts that have infiltrated my mind.

No, you must exist.

It has to be a test.  
Please, let it be a test..

I'm usually good at those...


	5. In My Head

_**Katya** _

Two weeks. Two weeks of fucking hell.   
Trixie has started to relax more around me which is good as we've actually started to really get to know eachother, but she also refuses to give in to any of my flirting. Most girls I've met who were stuck in the closet just needed like a couple days of me flirting with them and then we'd be making out in the changing rooms of my gymnastics hall.

Why the hell is this girl so difficult to crack?

Even worse is the fact that I'm genuinely starting to like being around her. Trixie is sweet, kind, funny, smart, and unlike anyone I have ever met. She makes me laugh more than anyone else and I am starting to like her so much that I actually look forward to math class, which I never in my life thought would happen.

I also recently learned that Trixie in a cheerleading uniform is hot... like seriously hot. Her two pieced uniform shows off her tiny little waist, stretches across her enormous tits, and her skirt barely covers her ass. God, when I first saw her in it, I just wanted to bend her over in the tiny skirt and eat her out until she screamed my name.

Of course, I can't do that, and that fact makes me feel more lonely than anything else in the world. All I can do is imagine her against me, which I'll admit, I've done way too much these past weeks.

I feel myself get riled up and I lay back on my bed, stuffing my hand inside my panties. In my head she's right there. Her honey brown eyes gazing at me with burning desire, her soft pink lips kiss my neck and I moan. She pulls off the top of her uniform revealing a pure white lace bra, her breasts threatening to spill out of it deliciously. Then her hands remove my clothes as I place two fingers underneath her which her dripping pussy devour. She rides them desperately as my clothing disappears.

I imagine her hand replacing mine, imagine it's her fingers fucking me hard and fast as I chase my high to image I've created of her in my dreams. Her fictional lips kissing my skin and whispering sweet nothing's in my ear to drive me towards release. Her boobs bouncing up and down as she rides my hand. 

"Ah.. oh, fuck.." I moan as I feel myself getting close.

 _"Baby, cum for me. Cum for me, Katya."_ I hear her voice say in my mind.

"Oh god, TRIXIE!" I yell as I reach my high.

Fuck I have got to stop these creepy fantasies...

As much pleasure as they bring, they also bring an equal amount of heartbreak. I expected to flirt with Trixie for a bit of fun and because she is the sexiest girl I've ever seen, but now I know she is also so much more than that. Now I want her, truly want her. I wanna take her out to stupid dates and kiss her under the glow of shimmering moonlight.

But that won't happen...   
I'm not even sure that she's really even into me at all, or if she's just so terrified of her own sexuality that any woman who flirts with her will make her a blushing mess.

Well, at least I can have her in my head. In my head I can be with her, even if the real world won't allow it. In my mind I can rip that stupid silver cross off of her neck and free her mind from the control of her religious views. In my imagination I can convince her that she won't hurt anyone by being herself. 

But unfortunately real life and fantasy is never the same...


	6. Might Get Loud

_**Katya** _

I look around, gaping at the massive house filled with drunk teens as I make my way towards the kitchen with Adore and Tatianna.

"Who's house is this anyways? I thought you guys weren't liked by the school?" I ask.

"Courtney's, she's a lot more accepting then most of the students, so she usually includes us. Also, she has like a soft spot for Adore." Tatianna says.

"Yeah, Court kinda acts like my big sister." Adore says happily as she pours us some drinks, handing each of us a cup. "Drink up bitches." She adds.

"Is there any vodka?"

"God, could you be more Russian cliché?" Tati teases.

"Fuck off, it's good." I say as I look around myelf, finding a bottle on the kitchen island. I pour myself two overfilled shots, drinking them straight after eachother, loving the delicous burning sensation that fills my throat.

"Oh look, it's the dyke squad. When ya gonna let a real man fuck the gay outta you, Tati?" A boy wearing a letterman jacket says. I see Tatianna looking extremely uncomfortable, clearly unable to say anything back, so I step forward instead, grabbing the attention of multiple other people in the room.

"Hmm, well firstly, shouldn't you first find a real man for her then? 'Cause all I see is a pathetic little mama's boy. Secondly, why the fuck would she want a man to fuck her when women are so much more aware of what feels good? You poor little boys just wiggle around inside women and chase your own orgasms, but you have no idea how to truly please girls. You don't know how to twist your fingers right, how to curl your tounge correctly, and the sad thing is, you don't even care, because you're all selfish assholes. Thirdly, I'm sure Tati, as well as everyone else here, knows that men with mouths like yours are usually overcompansating for lack of penis size." I say boldy, hearing a gasp travel across the room as music cuts out.

"What the fuck did you just say to me dyke?!" The boy yells. I just roll my eyes. He doesn't scare me at all, I've faced far worse back home in Russia.

"You heard me dickhead, now run along back home to your mommy. Also, that slur is outdated and boring, find a better insult, который ты загадила." He stares at me, completely speechless by the fact that his little intimidation game didn't scare me. "Let's go girls, it's a party, no?" I say to Adore and Tatianna, who just nod with wide eyes before following me into the living room.

"Holy shit, that was so fucking cool. No one's ever stood up to Jason like that." Adore says. "You're a little badass, aren't you Katya Zamo?" She adds as she throws her arm around my shoulder.

"Thanks Kat, that really was incredible." Tati says sincerely.

"No problem. And believe me, he's nothing compared to the men I've faced before, and people only hold as much power as we give them. Dyke is just a word, a painful one sure, but only if we let it hurt us. Rise above it, show them that they can't touch you." I tell her. 

"That was some display, we could use some more people challenging the judgemental views of people in this school." A tiny blonde girl says. She's absolutely gorgeous, and literally as small as a canary.

"Court!" Adore says, throwing her arms around the blonde woman. "Courtney meet Katya, Katya meet Courtney." The girl says as she pulls out of the hug.

"Nice to meet you." I say politely.

"You too. Haven't seen many people talk back to Jason, wish more people did." Courtney responds.

"But aren't you one of the most popular girls, could you not change everyone's opinion?" I ask.

"I am, but it's not that easy. I try to convince people that being queer isn't a sin, but I'm an athiest so my opinion on the matter doesn't really matter to them. In their eyes, the opinion of God is what's important. But honestly, if there is a God, why would he or she or they or it create a sexuality and then punish people for it? Also, God can't possibly have time to go around damning people to hell, he's gotta be to busy running the world. But, yeah, I like my friends, but that doesn't mean I always agree with them." She says.

"That's gotta be tough tho, to disagree on things that are that important?" 

"It is, but if I ditch them, who's ever gonna challenge their beliefs?" Courtney states.

"Huh.. I've never thought about it that way before." Tatianna speaks. 

"Me neither." I agree.

"See, I told you she's cool." Adore tells me with a proud smile.

"Adore however is just a clumsy idiot." Courtney teases.

"Fuck you! You're not my friend anymore." Adore says dramatically.

"As if, who you gonna steal sheet music from in music class then?" The blonde challenges. 

"Okay, you're forgiven." Adore quickly says.

Just then I see a girl with a formfitting pink dress and long blonde hair walk up the stairs with some dude. She looks uncomfortable, almost like she can't get free of him. She turns slightly as she attempts to push him away, but he pushes her against the wall.

"Katya, you okay?" Tatianna asks in a worried tone.

"Uhm, yeah, I'm just gonna go use the bathroom." I tell her before storming up the stairs. 

"Hey asshole, you wanna get off her?" I say pull him backwards by the neck of his jacket making him stumble. "Did no one tell you that no means no?" I say as I push him to the ground. I'm sure he could easily beat me up, but the element of surprise is on my side. 

"Katya?" I hear a voice say and I turn towards the girl.

_"Trixie?"_


	7. A Bedroom Down The Hall

_**Katya** _

_"Trixie?"_

"God, you fucking bitch! What the hell is your problem?" I hear the guy yell from behind me.

"Give me one second." I say to Trixie with a smile, before turning towards the boy. "My problem is assholes like you who thinks they can do whatever they want."

I see him charging for me, so without a second thought I kick him in the balls, making him fall backwards again.

"FUCK! You fucking cunt! You're gonna pay for this!" He yells, but I just turn back to Trixie.

"So Trixie, nice to see you here." 

"Uhm, Katya.. you might wanna run." Trixie says looking nervously over my shoulder.

"Huh?" I look behind me and there stands a furious guy, now joined by two other guys who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"Run!" She says, grabbing my wrist and leading me through the house.

It's clear that she's been here countless times as she pulls me with her into what seems to be a guest bedroom and quickly locks the door. She signals for me to stay quiet as we wait for the male voices to drown into the general noise of the party.

"I think they're gone." Trixie says as she gets up to leave, but I pull her back down to sit on the edge of the bed with me.

"Stay with me?" 

"I really shouldn't..." She replies. 

"Why? I won't harm you." I say honestly.

"I know, but others might if they find out I'm hanging out with you." The girl says, but she sits down nevertheless.

How I wish I could figure out what she's thinking.

Is she cold because she's afraid?   
Or is it from a lack of interest?   
Her speech and actions usually almost convince me that there's nothing there, but her eyes always betray her. Those honey brown eyes show curiosity, worry, care, and desire.

"Well, no one else knows that you're in here. Also, does what they think really matter that much?" 

"Of course it does... I am who they make me, I have to be perfect because otherwise I might fall apart. If I'm not perfect then I am nothing. You.. you wouldn't understand, you stand up to people like it's nothing. How you spoke to Jason? No one's ever done that, and frankly it puts a huge target on your back. I couldn't live like that." Trixie says sadly. 

"You saw that, huh? Did you think it was cool?" I joke, trying to make her smile reappear. 

You see, what's odd about me and Trixie these days is that we're friends, but only on occasion. She'll laugh at my jokes and I'll see a glimpse of the person I think she truly is, but then just as quickly, that person will disappear into hiding.

"I think it was stupid, you could have gotten yourself killed." She says strictly, making me smile.

"Aaw, were you worried about me?"

She looks away, a blush coating her cheeks as she plays with her fingers in her lap.

"No, not at all..." She mumbles. I lift her chin gently, turning her head to face mine. 

"You're cute, Trix." 

Her blush deepends before she shakes her head out of my grip and turns away from me. There she goes again, pulling away. But I don't push her, I know it's not a battle against me, it's a battle against herself, a battle against everything she believes in.

"You shouldn't say stuff like that.." Trixie says.

"And why's that?"

"Because it's wrong... God, says so. You'll go to hell, and I don't want you to go to hell." She says softly.

How can someone's judgement sound so endearing?

"Well that's even cuter, but I don't really care if I go to hell or not. I'd rather go to hell than give up a part of my identity. Why would I want heaven if it means giving up on love?" I respond.

"But, but it's not who you are, it's just that you've given into temptation. It's not real."

"Oh кукла, I promise you it's very real and it's exactly who I am. Don't let some book tell you otherwise. No book that judges people should control you. Happiness should come first, not some old rules from an old book." I say.

"But, it's God's word.. It's everything I know, everything I am... His word is law." 

"Trixie, what if God told you to jump off a cliff? You're allowed to think for yourself, interpret, and decide your own path. You're so smart, so use that beautiful brain of yours to find your own interpretation. There's so much life to live, don't let some book stop you from living it." I say.

I take a risk and place my arm around her waist, and to my surprise she doesn't pull away. My other hand finds her hair, combing through it before my hand lands on her jaw, my thumb caressing her cheek.

And before I can process what's happening, her soft lips meet mine.


	8. A Tangled Moment In Time

_**Trixie** _

She places her arm around my waist, and something inside me makes me want to stay in her arms. My skin tingles deliciously where her arm lays, a sensation I've never felt in the arms of any boy. Her other hand finds my hair, combing through it before it lands on my jaw, her thumb caressing my cheek. Her eyes are filled with care, but there's an underlying hunger, like a predator waiting to capture it's prey. It feels dangerous, but I still want to dive into the water. She's like a rose and I am pricking myself willingly on her thorns.  
The snake has me transfixed and the apple is too tempting to resist, and so I lean in and take a bite, my lips meeting hers in a desperate kiss.

Oh God, what I have done?  
How will I ever stop now?

How can I pull back when the taste of her lips is so addicting?   
The mixture of vodka and cigarettes so odly satisfying?

Oh Katya, pull me under, for I want to drown in you. Be rough, devour me completely, bury me in the sweet sensation of your kisses. Remove the imprint of other hands and let your touch be the only thing left on my body. Undress me like you've done with your eyes, don't let me protest, don't let me regret it, just let me disappear under your cloud of smoke. We don't need to know anything right now, let's just live simply. I won't worry if it's love, or let the complicated world outside the door break the moment. So just let our bodies overlap and then cover the dirty surroundings with cigarette smoke so no one can see. 

Her needy hands pull me closer as my arms wrap around her neck, desperate to feel the warmth of her body against mine.

Is this what it's supposed to feel like? This flame that burns inside me, begging for more, is that what people chase after?

And if we go further, does it grow?   
Is that why people make such a big deal out of sex? 

"Trixie? Are you in there? Betty said she saw you running in here with some girl." I hear Alyssa's voice yell as she knocks on the door, jiggling the handle.

I pull away from the kiss in panic.   
Oh my god, what have I done?   
No.. no, this can't be happening.   
Betty saw me running in with Katya.  
What do I do? I can't risk falling off my throne... Okay.. It's gonna be okay, Trixie, just induce amnesia and deny the truth, rewind and erase this moment.

"Trixie?" Katya asks in a worried tone.

"Shhh, stay quiet. This never happened." I say firmly. Katya stands up to protest, but I quickly exit the room, closing the door in her face, finding Alyssa waiting for me on the outside.

"What were you doing in there girl?" Alyssa asks.

"Oh, nothing, just taking a break from the party. I don't know who Betty claims to have seen me with tho, 'cause I've been alone, but whatever. You know she loves starting drama, honey." I tell her, trying my best to seem cheery and normal.

"Oh gurl, she really does, but we aren't gonna entertain drama, chaos, confusion and madness. Anyways, the others are down in the living room, Farrah wants to do some drinking game, you know how she can be. You head downstairs, I need to find a mirror girl, I need to get up in this gig." She says in the way that only Alyssa can, but luckily she doesn't seem to question me further.

"Always and forever Alyssa Edwards." I say in a jokey tone as she finds her way towards the bathroom. 

I make my way outside, feeling in need of air. Once out there, I take a deep breath of relief.

Good job Trixie, no one knows.   
You can back to being the perfect girl everyone expects you to be.   
I let my fingers touch my lip, a tear falling down my cheek as I remember the warmth of Katya's soft, plump lips against mine. Sorrow filling me as I realise I'll never feel that again.

For a short second I had a taste of heaven.   
For a short second all the pain and confusion was worth it.  
For a short second life was wonderful to live.

But now it's back to reality, back to strict demands and high expectations, back to chasing after an impossible standard, back to forced dreams of marriage to a man and having two children.

But for a short second, for just a tiny moment in time, all that vanished and it was just me and her. And as much as I hate myself for it, I loved that moment.


	9. Losing You

_**Katya** _

The door slams in my face and I hear Trixie talk to someone outside of it for a while before the voices disappear. I slide down against the door, replaying her words in my head.

_"This never happened."_

I can't do that...  
I can't pretend to never have felt the warmth of her lips or her skin against mine. Maybe I'm crazy or naive but I really thought we were having a breakthrough. I thought it could be me and her, that she could be mine.  
How can she expect me to let it all go?  
I can't. I may be losing her, but I can't pretend like our one moment of pure honesty never existed. Especially now when I know that whatever I'm feeling is much more than just lust.

"You kissed me, Trixie... not the other way around... How can I forget that?" I whisper to myself as I wrap my arms around my legs, leaning my head on my knees.

How can this be over before it's even begun?

I wish I could hate her for giving me hope and pushing me away, but I can't.  
I know it's her religion, her family, her friends, and her beliefs and so how can I blame her? How can I hold that against her?  
Still, it feels like my heart is being ripped out, going from complete bliss to heartache in less than a second.  
There's nothing I can do, she's in full control over our future, and I know any interest she has is filled with reservations.

Usually I wouldn't have cared. I would have already moved on to the next girl, but Trixie is special. For some reason I can't give up on her. With one smile she had me captured. Just the way she looks at me makes me never want to leave her side. She is like a butterfly in a cold winter night, coloring the pages of my heart like a coloring book. 

Oh Trixie, you have so much to give, don't let the world steal away those colors you showed me, don't live your life in black and white.

You knew I was waiting for you, for any sign that you shared the same feelings as me, but I guess it's my fault for being naive. My heart is in your hands, please break it completely if you don't need it. Don't keep it, don't let it beat for you, don't touch it if you won't take care of it. You can't have me Trixie, not if I can't have you too, so don't pull me in, don't play with my heart, just let me be so I can give up loving you.

I get up from the floor, making my way downstairs and feeling my chest ache as I see Trixie settling in some guys lap and making out with him as a part of some drinking game. The worst part is that even tho it feels like someone's ripping my soul in half, I still can't take my eyes off the doll-like angel.

Fake a smile, Katya. Don't let them see, don't let her know how much it hurts. Take a deep breath, fake a smile and get out of here. Even if the whole world seems dark, this too will pass. 

I make my way through the crowd ignoring anyone who speaks to me until I am left alone on an empty road. My shoulders feel heavy as I make my way home, the weight of rejection pushing me down. 

Why is she so insistent on lying to her own heart?  
Why can't I just be hers?  
Why can't she be mine?

Even if the hope is gone, the dream fading by the minute, the memory can remain. The memory can remain as pure and beautiful, I will keep it like a picture in my heart. Even if I remain alone on this road, she and I can live together there. 

I wonder if she knows I'm loosing my mind. I wonder if she feels as lost as I feel. I'm sure I will spend sleepless nights thinking about her, but will she do the same?

Probably not.  
She'll probably be fine.


	10. A Cold Entrance

_**Katya** _

High school fucking sucks, or maybe just this one, 'cause when I walk in monday morning I'm met by the sight of _"dyke"_ spraypainted on my locker and a smirking Jason with his arm around the waist of the one and only Trixie Mattel.

"Really? Как люди могут быть такими незрелыми?" I say as I roll my eyes, opening my locker and grabbing my books like nothing's wrong. But just then a familiar tiny blonde walks into the hall.

"Shit Jason, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did she really hurt your fragile manhood that much?" Courtney says as she stares at my locker and then at the boy responsible for it.

"Just painting the truth Court, can't you for once mind your own business?" He responds.

"Courtney, it's really not a big deal." I say.

Honestly the word hurt way less than seeming him and Trixie together.   
Why the fuck was she with him of all people? Yes, any guy in general would be a bad choice for her, but did she really have to choose the most homophobic dickhead of all?

"Yes, it is, and I'm done letting him get away with it. I'm so fucking tired of this judgemental bullshit you spew, Jason. I've stood by for long enough and tried to gently push you guys in the right direction, but I'm over it! Wake up call! God doesn't love you more for acting like a homophobic asshole." Courtney says standing her ground.

I can see how visibly uncomfortable the confrontantion is making Trixie, but Courtney clearly wasn't about to back down.

"Trixie, are you really gonna stand here and do nothing? Are you really gonna support this asshole? You're better than this, I know you are." The tiny blonde tells the doll. I see panic spreading in Trixie's honey brown eyes, the girl completely tounge-tied, and I can't help but step in.

"Courtney, just leave it. She's not the one to blame in this, and Jason is just a pathetic dick."

"Katya, she's standing here like the arm candy of a dude who spraypainted a slur on your locker, she's not exactly innocent." Courtney tells me, and I see Trixie's head drop, tears in her eyes as she pulls out of Jason's grip and walks away quickly towards the bathroom.

"Trixie? Babe? Where the fuck are you going?" Jason yells after her. But he doesn't chase her, doesn't ask her what's wrong, he just turns back to his friends and heads towards his classroom in the opposite direction.

"Courtney, just trust me, okay? I appreciate this, I really do. I'd never expect you to stand up for me, especially not against your friends, but I promise you there's more to this than meets the eye. Don't be too angry at her." I tell Courtney as honestly as I can without completely outing Trixie. 

"Okay, I trust you." 

"Thank you, and thanks for trying to defend me. I'll see you later okay?" I say as I start running down the hall towards where I saw Trixie go.

"Katya?" Courtney yells after me confused, but she let's me run off anyways.

As soon as I enter the girls' bathroom I hear the sound of a girl sobbing.

"Trixie? Are you in here?" I ask.

"Mhmm, why are you? I thought you'd hate me, I deserve to be hated by you..." She replies from one of the stalls. I follow the noise until I find the correct one. 

"Well too bad, I could never hate you." 

"I hate me... I wish I could disappear from this world.." She says and my heart breaks in a thousand pieces.

"I don't wish for that, the world would be sad without you." I reply, leaning against the door to the stall.

"But I keep disappointing everyone... I disappointed you... and to change that I'd have to disappoint God and my parents..." 

"I'd rather be disappointed than have a world without you. I don't blame you for anything Trix, and I don't hate you. It's okay to make mistakes, and if that's all that party was then that's okay. I'll respect that and I'll stop all the flirting." I tell her, and I feel pressure against the door so I step away and let her open it, her teary eyes meeting mine.

"I.. I don't know what it was... but I don't think it was a mistake."


	11. Take A Chance

_**Trixie** _

"I'd rather be disappointed than have a world without you. I don't blame you for anything Trix, and I don't hate you. It's okay to make mistakes, and if that's all that party was then that's okay. I'll respect that and I'll stop all the flirting." Katya says.

Do I want that?  
Do I really want her flirting to stop?

No.

But I can't say that, I can't admit too much. I can't say I enjoy it or that it allows me to taste the freedom I secretly crave.   
God, why does it constantly feel like I have the world on my back?   
Why can I never just breathe?   
Can I just get a second to calm down and get my head over water?

I always listen to everyone else's opinion. I put too much weight on every word they say and every glace they send me. I put so much pressure on myself, but I think I'm reaching my limit. I try to be an angel, but I don't think I can...

Still I can't say the words, can't tell her the truth I know lingers inside my heart.

Maybe I can partly admit to it?   
Maybe I can sort of tell her not to give up on me?

"I.. I don't know what it was... but I don't think it was a mistake." I say quietly as I exit the stall.

"You don't?" Katya asks surprised.

"No... but I don't... I don't know what that really means.. And I'm sort of dating Jason now, so it's not like anything can happen again anyways." I mumble.

Why did I say that?  
I don't even like Jason. I'm just with him because it means not having to face all these conflicting thoughts in my head. Courtney's words play in my head;

_"God doesn't love you more for acting like a homophobic asshole."_

I've never heard Courtney talk that way before and so the words were shocking, but they also make me wonder who God would like less.   
Would he disapprove of Jason the most for judging others and spreading hate?  
Or would he disapprove of Katya the most for being a... _a lesbian_?

That's the first I've really allowed myself to use that word, even just in my own thoughts.

Why does it sort of feel freeing?

"Oh really? Dating, huh? Is it serious?" Katya says with a fire in her eyes that I can't recognize, but that makes my knees feel weak and my breathing speed up as she steps closer to me.

What the hell is happening to me?

"Does he hold you like you should be held, кукла?" She asks as her arms wrap around my waist and pull me close, her chest against mine.

Why does this bathroom suddenly feel like a sauna?

"Does he touch you like you should be touched?"

Her fingers travel up and down my spine, making me shiver, before her hand travels down to my squeeze my ass making me release a small noise of pleasure. Katya grins at me deviliously, like she knows exactly what she's doing.

"Does he kiss you like you should be kissed?" She asks and a second later those plump lips are on mine, her tounge infiltrating my mouth, which makes me moan as I wrap my arms around her neck to pull her closer. 

A fire burns in my stomach as she lifts me up and carries me to sit on the counter between the sinks. My legs are on each side of hers and her hands find my lower back, pressing our bodies together sinfully. Her touch ignites my body, sending sparks of electricity through me as our lips move desperately against eachother. 

And then the bell sounds, and in less then a second she pulls away from me completely.

"So I guess the answer to all my questions is _no_. I'll see you in math class, куколка." She says as she leaves the bathroom, leaving me alone to catch my breath. 

_"Holy shit."_ I whisper as I hold a hand over my heart, trying to make it calm down.


	12. Meet Me After Class

_**Trixie** _

I retrieve my books from my locker as I desperately try to calm down for the last class of the day. Math. 

"Okay, breathe Trixie, it's just math class. Regular old math. You like math. Math is simple." I mumble to myself when I feel an arm around my waist.

"Hey babe." Jason says. 

"Hi." I say with a fake smile. 

"You gonna come over to mine later?" He says, his hands traveling uncomfortably low on my hips. 

His touch feels so different from Katya's. Hers made me want more and more, his makes my skin crawl. Every word Katya spoke pulled me in, every word he speaks makes me want to pull away. But I can't do that. He's the most popular guy in school, we're supposed to date eachother. 

"I can't, I have math homework." 

"Baby, come on. Let's finish what we started on friday." He whispers before kissing my neck.

God, I don't drink, but I could use one.  
Or maybe a smoke.   
Or maybe the kiss of a smoker.   
Jesus, what am I thinking? 

"I have to go to class Jason." I say trying to free myself from his grip.

"Ah Trixie, don't be so cold, loosen up a little." He says, his hand high on my thigh underneath my dress. Luckily our fronts are towards the lockers, 'cause I would die if anyone saw me like this.

"Jason, no. Go to class." I say, finally wringing myself out of his arms as I practically run to math class before he can protest.

When I enter class most people are already there, and in the back row sits a familiar blonde woman whom I've never felt more relieved to see. 

"What happened to you?" Katya asks as she looks over my frazzled appearance. 

"Jason... He was just acting like a jerk, but what else is new?" I say as I open my books.

"Honestly why are you with him? Clearly you don't like him."

"Because I'm supposed to be. His parents are friends with my parents, he's the most popular guy in school, he's well-liked in church, he's the quarterback and I'm head cheerleader, we're a perfect match." I reply, not believing my own words.

"Perfect match? Says who? Courtney clearly doesn't think so, I definitely don't, and you don't either."

"You don't know that." I argue.

"It's obvious." Katya says.

"It's not!" 

"It is, but you're very cute when you argue." She says with a smile, and I feel a blush coating my cheeks again.

Why can't Jason be more like her?   
Why can't I blush around anyone but her?

"Good afternoon class. I'll keep it short since you already know the assignments for today, but you'll have a test next week to see if our little partner experiment is going well so I expect you all to prepare for it in your respective pairs. Any arguments? No, good, didn't think so." Ms. Visage says before settling down in her chair, clearly not very motivated to teach today.

"So, yours or mine?" Katya asks.

"Huh?"

"To study, you heard Ms. Visage, we gotta prepare for the test together, детка. And as you know, I'm not the best at this so we'll probably need a lot of after school sessions." She says, a hint of mischief in her eyes. 

"Oh.. uhm right, yours would be best. Mom is a full-time housewife and would probably disown me if she saw me around someone who owns a motorbike, plus Jason kind of talked badly about you to mine and his parents after church on Sunday, so I don't think you wanna meet her right now." I say honestly. 

The whole thing had been an extremely awkward ordeal. Our parents had asked how school was going and out of nowhere Jason had started to very publicly state his disdain for Katya and his speculations regarding her sexuality. My parents made me promise never to speak to her, but I can't do that. Firstly because we're math partners, but also because I realised that never speaking to Katya again is a bigger punishment to me then being disowned is. And that fact scares me more than anything in the world.

"Ah, well I'm used to not being the town favorite. But mine it is then. Do you wanna meet today or is tomorrow better?" Katya says, leaning on the desk with her chin resting in her hand.

"Uhm.. well, if you think you need a lot of help then maybe we should do both days?" I suggest in a shy tone, a deep blush on my cheeks.

"I think that's a great idea, кукла."


	13. It's So Painfully Obvious

_**Katya** _

"Are your parents home?" Trixie asks as we make our way to my bedroom.

"No, why?" I say.

"Oh..uhm, no reason..." She says nervously and I try my best not to comment on how adorable it is. 

Once we enter my room she stares around curiously, taking in every drawing and picture. Her eyes scan every detail, almost like she's trying to analyze my soul through what's hanging on my walls. 

Look at her looking...  
Forever with that soft gaze, what does she see? How does she experience the world around her?

If she looked at herself in a mirror, what would she find there?  
Does she see what I see?  
The round face? The pink cheeks? The soft mouth? The porcelain skin?  
The way her hair glows in sunlight?  
The tiny dimples that appear when she laughs?

Does she know that I could look at her forever?

"Did you draw these?" She asks as she points towards the sketches.

"Yeah, I like drawing, it's calming. I've drawn the basic design for all of my tattoos." I respond with a proud smile.

"That's really cool, I can't draw at all..." 

"I thought you could do everything, Trixie Mattel." I say as I wrap my arms around her small waist, hoping she won't pull away.

"Almost everything." She responds with a cute giggle, leaning back further into the backhug. 

Can we just stay like this forever  
Hidden away from the world, like two people in a painting? I would like that. Just to stay like this, with Trixie wrapped in my arms.

"Is that you?" Trixie asks as she spots photos from my gymnastic competitions.

"Yeah, kind of feels like a lifetime ago now." I admit.

"So you were really training for the Olympics, that was a real story?" 

"Yes, of course. What did you think?" I say in slight shock of her thinking it was fake.

"Well, I didn't really think you'd lie, but I don't know, I kind of thought you made it up just to test my reaction to it." She says, clearly embarrassed about her assumption.

"Well, it's true." I say with a laugh.

"Stop laughing at me!" She whines, turning around in my arms to hit my chest, the punch feeling like a child pushing an adult with a gloved hand. 

How is it possible for a human to be this cute? 

"I'm sorry, your assumptions are just adorable sometimes." I say warmly.

"You're bullying me, you big meanie." Trixie responds, and I almost coo at her. 

She pulls away and sits down on the bed, taking her books out. I feel tinge of sadness at the moment ending, but I remind myself that we are actually here for a reason, so I sit down next to her, opening my own books.

"Do you miss it?" She asks suddenly.

"Huh?"

"Gymnastics, do you miss it?"

"Well yeah.. I loved it, so I miss it now. But I really had no choice, if I tried protesting I'd have to throw my teammate under the bus and place all the blame on her, plus I was sick of hiding." I say honestly.

"I wish I was as courageous as you..." She says in an almost inaudible voice.

"Are you saying..? Trixie, is there anything you want to tell me?" I say, gently trying to urge her to come out. However, Trixie quickly changes the subject.

"What? No, nothing." She says in a panicked tone. "Anyways, let's get started." She adds and the next hour passes by with her explaining formula after formula.

As she speaks I find myself staring at her lips. Those soft, pink, very kissable lips. Those lips that taste of strawberries. Those lips that can reveal the most gorgeous smile and the most adorable pout. 

God, I wish I could tell her how beautiful she is in my eyes.  
If only I could tell her how she's everything to me. But we belong to two different world's, and I know that, so I leave most things unsaid. I honestly don't know how I would even start.

"Katya? Kat, are you listening?" She says in an annoyed tone after a while.

"Huh.. uhm, what did you say?" I reply, shaking my head to get out of my trance. 

"I was asking you if you understood how to solve the equation now, but you're clearly not paying attention at all." 

"Sorry, I was distracted." I say honestly.

"By what? There's literally nothing here to distract you." She says as she rolls her eyes.

"That's so not true, there's something very obviously distracting here, Trix."

"What?" She asks, seeming genuinely unable to figure it out.

"You. You in all of your cute, awkward, sweet, amazing, kind, funny, shy and smart glory."


	14. Where I Belong

_**Trixie** _

_"You. You in all of your cute, awkward, sweet, amazing, kind, funny, shy and smart glory."_

"You.. you shouldn't say stuff like that.." I say sadly, tears filling my eyes.

"Why not?"

"Because it's confusing.. and I'm none of that... I'm not like that at all... I'm just a pathetic, frightened girl who pretends to be in control of her life." I reply, letting some of my honest thoughts lay bare in front of her.

I don't really know why it's so easy to trust Katya, but somehow I don't fear that she'll run and tell everyone. After all, she didn't tell anyone about the kiss.

"Being frightened doesn't make you pathetic, Trixie. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you, because the person I see is truly beautiful." She says, lifting my chin up so my eyes meet hers.

No one has ever spoken to me like that. All I've ever heard is how I should act and who I should be. Guys call me hot, teachers call me smart, and people half-mockingly call me perfect.   
But no one has actually told me that I'm beautiful as a person. No one's even really cared what my personality is like.  
But Katya does, Katya sees me for me.

And then there it is.   
That familiar feeling inside of me.   
That feeling that I've so often tried to push away. That feeling that seems to make my skin itch and makes panic rise within. The feeling that tells me I'm not being honest with myself. The feeling that's begging me to say the words that scare me the most out loud. The feeling that keeps pulling me closer and closer towards Katya like a magnet.

You know when you know something is true without question or doubt?   
Like the sky being blue, old people dying, or rain being wet? All those things that you don't need to say or question, the things you just know.  
That's what it feels like when I finally admit it to myself.

I'm gay.  
And I like Katya.  
I really, really like her.

Why have I denied something so painfully obvious? How could I miss something that's so plain to see? Something that glared and stared at me for so long... Why have I worked so hard to withhold that truth from myself? 

_"I'd rather go to hell then give up a part of my identity. Why would I want heaven if it means giving up on love?"_ Katya said that night we first kissed, and I'm starting to think she's right.

If I'm loosing a part of me... maybe I don't want heaven. 

And who's to say what God really thinks? Maybe he wouldn't judge so harshly.   
And aren't we all children of God?   
Jesus helped the outcasts, he showed them that all of them were God's children. He touched the contagious, and yet my congregation would surely have turned them away.

And why would God have created us in this way if he did not mean for us to act upon it? Aren't we meant to believe that God's creation has no flaw?   
Yes, free will allows us to make different choices, but I've tried to make the choice to ignore this and that feels far more unatural, so what am I meant to believe?   
The Bible also says "love thy neighbour" which Jason nor my parents do through their actions, so why should I live by their image of what is right and wrong? Why should I define my belief by their standards?

"Trixie?" Katya asks, clearly curious about why I've been silent for so long.

"I do have something to tell you." I say, gathering up all the courage I have in my soul.

"You can tell me anything." She says, taking my hand in hers and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

"I'm... I'm.. I-I'm gay." I stammer out, feeling a heavy weight lift from my shoulders as tears fall down my cheeks. "I'm gay." I repeat with a smile as I laugh through my tears, a feeling of complete bliss taking over my body.

I may not have all the answers yet.   
I may not dare to reveal who I am to everyone right away. But I am finally on my way towards happiness. 

I wanna feel alive, not just like I'm fighting for survival. I want to be around someone who will tell me that who I am is good enough. I want to find a heaven that I can feel like I belong in, and I'm sure that one day I will find it.

When all is said and done I wanna be able to say that I lived my life to the fullest.

"Trixie, I am so proud of you." Katya says before wrapping me up in the safety of her arms.


	15. In My Eyes

_**Katya** _

"How are you feeling?" I ask the brown eyed girl once we pull out of the hug.

"Relieved, like a huge weight vanished from my shoulders." She says before a pensive look clouds her eyes. "I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone else tho... I'm still too scared for that.. is.. is that okay?" 

"Trix, of course that's okay. You have every right to tell people in your own time. You also have every right to not tell people. It's your life. I'm just proud of you for accepting yourself." I assure her.

"Thanks... It feels really good to hear someone tell me that they're proud of me..." 

"Don't your parents tell you that? You've got so many achievements that they should be proud of." I say in surprise.

"Not really... My achievements are pretty much just bragging rights, they don't really talk to me about them... They'll mention it to their friends, dad's co-workers and people at church, but I can't actually remember them telling me that they were proud of me." Trixie says sadly.

Note to self, Trixie's parents are all-around assholes, not just homophobic assholes.

"Well, I'm proud of you. I'm really, really proud of you because I know how difficult it must have been for you." 

"Thank you." She replies with a cute, shy smile. "Kat.. there's one more thing I have to tell you." She adds, fiddling with her fingers in that adorable way that I love so much.

"I'm all ears, кукла." 

"I like you... like really like you." She says sincerely and my heart stops.

Is this real life?   
She seriously likes me?   
I'm not just some coming out experiment? Trixie Mattel likes me?

"Are you serious?"

"Uhm yeah, is that wierd? It's just, you're like the type of person one longs for and dreams of. I've looked for bad sides in you, but I can't find any. And I don't know love, I don't think I've even ever truly liked anyone before, but I'd like to try... I'd like to learn how to love, and I'd like to someday love you." Trixie says, bolder than I've ever heard her before. 

I break out in a wide smile as I stare at her in disbelief, unable to wrap my head around all the sweet words coming out of her mouth. This Barbie fantasy, this smart and beautiful angel of a woman likes me. This girl, who is hands down the most gorgeous woman I have ever met, wants to someday fall in love with me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She mumbles shyly, seeming disappointed and embarrassed.

Shit, say something, Katya.

"I.. I... I like you too." I finally get out as I try to calm my beating heart.

"You do?" The doll says in surprise as she lifts her head up with a beaming smile.

"Trix, of course I do. I've liked you since the first time I saw you. If you could see yourself through my eyes, Trix, honestly you might be a little scared 'cause it's borderline obsessive. Your smile can brighten my entire day. I could drown in your eyes, and your kisses. God Trix, kissing you is like heaven on earth. But that's just the physical stuff. Do you have any idea how cute you are when you're just being yourself? The way you dance like the rest of the world isn't there. The adorable hearts you draw in every margin of your notebooks. The fact that you still fill out quizzes from teen magazines. The way you sing to yourself when you've got your earbuds in. The way your nose scrunches up when you giggle. I like it all, I like you so, so much, Trixie." I tell her, laying my heart bare in front of her.

She sits still for a moment before pushing the books off the bed and smashing our lips together. I pull her onto my lap, her thick thighs on either side of my legs as her arms go around my neck. I squeeze her ass, making her let out the most addictive noise of pleasure, the moment allowing me access to slip my tounge in between her soft lips. Her fingers tangle themselves in my hair, pulling and combing it as she rolls her hips in my lap.

And I want to stay in the moment forever. I want to stay frozen in time with Trixie in my arms, her lips on mine. That would be my heaven.


	16. Falling Leaves Are Beautiful

_**Katya** _

"Okay, so for real, what is going on with you and Trixie?" Adore asks as we walk to our regular smoking spot behind the school.

"What? What do you mean?" I reply in a nervous tone.

I know how determined Trixie has been about hiding our ... well, whatever we are. Officially Trixie is still dating Jason, and although the sight of him touching her makes me want to rip is fucking arm off, I've come to accept that. No one knows what we are, honestly not even we do...

The last month has gone by with us sneaking around, stealing kisses in between classes, having study sessions together after school that mostly become makeout sessions, but nothing more than that. Trixie's faith may be changing, but sex is still not something she's comfortable with and I respect that. I would never pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

"You just seem really friendly..." Adore says suggestively. "For real why is she even friendly towards you at all?"

"It's nothing like that. Trust me. We're friends tho, even tho it may not seem like it all the time at school... She's nice, and she's my math partner so it's better to try to get along with her, after all I do have to see her in every math class and outside of school for test-prep." I say, trying to seem chill about the subject.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you two were math partners. It all makes sense now." Adore says, slapping her forehead as if she thinks she's the dumbest person in the world.

"What? Would it be that shocking if Trixie actually enjoyed spending time with me?" I ask, trying to hide the fact that the statement makes me feel slightly offended.

"Well, no, it's just.. Trixie hates being around people who can make her seem less perfect, and that usually includes very outspoken and obvious lesbians like you." She states.

I suppose that makes sense. Trixie really needed to fight against herself to be able to come out. I can imagine that she's tried her best to shy away from anyone who could make her "gay by association". 

"I see, well, she's nice to me. And I really think she just needs some time to warm up to people who are different from her, she's not a bad person." I say, trying to both defend her but also not give away too much. No matter how much I want to scream out why she's acted the way she has, I can't, that would be breaking her trust entirely.

It feels strange, to care for someone so deeply, but not be allowed to show it. Strange, but not at all unfamiliar.   
There was a time when I wished I could disappear from this world, where the secrets seemed to painful to hide that I cried every night. I hated myself for not being able to receive love, hated how my every attempt at love had to stay hidden in the shadows.

There was only one real relationship, and I don't even know if it was love.   
No one knew, and so when it ended, it almost seemed as if it didn't happen. It all just seemed fake, not like a dream, but more like a game.   
The saddest part is that we had no good memories when it was all over. We spent more time worrying about if anyone would see us together then we did actually getting to know eachother. We could have been so good together, but we had to end it to stop being constantly anxious. The girl was in my class, so the day after it ended I had to walk in and see her, and smile and laugh as if my heart wasn't breaking. I felt helpless at that time, and pretending to not be hurt, actually hurt even more than hiding the relationship had. And yet, I can't remember a single personal thing she ever told me. I can't remember one single happy moment we shared. There really is nothing left.

My biggest fear is that Trixie and I will end up the same way, but I haven't told her that. She's worrying enough as it is, I don't want her to also worry about losing me. But luckily a lot of things are also different now. My parents know that I'm gay now. They didn't back then, and I had no idea how they would react, so coming out terrified me. And I know Trixie, I know who she is, what she likes, what she dislikes, her tiny habits, her tell-tale expressions, I know them all. 

And even more so, I love Trixie, I know I do. And loving her scares me, but it also seems like the most beautiful adventure. I hope somewhere down the line there's a truly happy ending for us. If we can't have that then I think I'd like to be in pain. I'm willing to take a lot of pain just to make sure I never forget her. No suffering matters if I can hold her in my arms for just a second. For just one kiss, I'd take years of longing.

Of course, I can't tell her that.   
I can't tell her that I love her.   
Not yet.

But some day I will.   
One day, if fate allows it, I'll tell the entire world that I love Trixie Mattel.


	17. Flames Get Higher

_**Trixie** _

"Trixie, aren't you coming?" Blair asks me when we exit the classroom.

"I'm just gonna run to bathroom, I'll join you guys soon." I answer her, knowing that Katya is waiting for me.

"Okay." She just says, no sign of suspicion as she makes her way to the cafeteria.

I speedwalk towards the staircase at the end of the hall, checking that Blair's out of view before I slip inside and run down to the basement.   
Here's the great thing about our town; so many people have left this insanely boring place that all the classrooms in the basement are empty. They're basically just being used as storage space these days, which means it's the perfect place to meet in secret.

When I enter, Katya is already there, her smile widening and her eyes shining brightly as I enter the room.   
I don't think I'll ever get used to being on the receiving end and being the cause of that wonderful expression. She looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the world, and somehow it makes me believe that I am special. With one look from her, everything seems alright. Suddenly no words can harm me, no harsh looks can reach me, and it makes me believe that maybe one day I'll be strong enough to face the world. Maybe with her by my side, I can find the strength to speak up.

"Hi кукла, have I told you how beautiful you are yet today?" Katya says sweetly as she walks over to me and wraps me up in her arms. I giggle and feel my cheeks turn red as I shake my head shyly.

"Well, you are stunningly gorgeous, as always." She says, pecking my cheek. 

"You look really good too." I say, wanting to slap myself for how awkward the compliment sounds. She says everything so smoothly, almost always seeming confident, whilst I always seem to stumble. 

"Why, thank you, baby." Katya replies, as always never judging me for my clumsiness, just encouraging me and making me slowly feel more and more comfortable. 

Her fingers comb through my hair, her thumb coming down to touch my lower lip, and for once I manage to make a slightly courageous action. I look at her through my lashes with the most seductive gaze I can manage before I kiss her thumb, slightly taking it into my mouth to lick it suggestively before kissing it again. 

"Fuck Trixie, when did you become so..." Katya trails off, seeming unable to find the right word as I bite my lip and smirk at her.

And then in less than a second, her lips are on mine, our tounges dancing together as she lifts me on top of a desk and goes to stand between my legs.   
I feel like I can't breathe, my craving for the other woman unmatched. I'm playing a dangerous game, her addictive touches and kisses have me hypnotized, and I am slowly getting closer and closer to not caring about the repercussions of letting her inside me.

With just a kiss she takes me to the sky. She's got me loosing my mind, and I'm sure my parents would call her poison, but to me she tastes as sweet as honey. My desire for her is out of control, nothing can put out the fire that burns inside me. I want her hands all over me, I don't care where she touches me as long as she never lets go. 

One of her hands slide up to my breast and I moan into her mouth, a simply touch enough to drive me crazy. When her hands are on me, I forget about the world, and suddenly it's just me and her. I pull her closer, the need to feel her against me constantly growing.   
But she soon pulls away, and I know it's because we've been in here for too long. 

"You should head back, they'll be looking for you." She says, her eyes still begging me to stay.

I know it bothers her, even if she doesn't say it. She tries her best to be patient and understanding, but I know it hurts her that we can't be together in public. I can only hope that she'll still be by my side by the time I'm ready to tell everyone.


	18. The Word Of God

_**Trixie** _

The church benches are uncomfortably hard. My Sunday dress this week is too small, but my mother insisted that I have been dressing to risqué lately. My father's grip on my mother's hand seems to be killing her inside. And Jason smiling at me from the bench across from ours makes me want to throw up. These are things that I would usually never give a second thought, but the minister's sermon has made me desperate to focus on anything but the words spewing out of his mouth.

"In these modern times we face many temptations, and we stray from the Lord's word. Our youth are of course the ones who may face these temptations the most. They may wish to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but remember God punished Eve for listening to the snake. You must protect yourself, save yourself for marriage, keep pure like God intended. But perhaps the most poisonous and dangerous idea sweaping this once holy nation, is the openness towards laying with those of your own gender. Remember, we know what the Lord thinks of this. _You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. (Leviticus 18:22)._ And Leviticus teaches us more. It teaches; _If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)_ Remember, this is not an opinion, this is not something to be argued, this is the Lord's word. This is what He himself teaches us. How our Father chooses to guide us. So head his word and do not fall into temptation." The minister speaks.

Is it too late to run?  
Can I fake being sick?  
Maybe I can stare at my darling boyfriend and make myself throw up? 

Last year I would have accepted this easily, but now, now I can't see it as anything but outdated and hateful.  
Who are we to judge God's children  
How can loving someone be wrong?  
It harms no one. Their hate cause more harm than my love ever could.

We exit the church and my parents thank the priest for a lovely service, of course praising his well-written sermon. I force myself to smile as if I agree, missing the times when I was small enough to play around freely without anyone stopping me.

When I was little, I would sleep through sermons whilst sitting in my father's lap. At that time I was still his little princess. He was more loving back then. More interested in my mother, and more interested in our family. Now his gaze wanders, finding the breasts and asses of every pretty young woman in the congregation. 

He holds my mother's hand, smiling at the preacher whilst his eyes meet the eyes of the school's new english teacher. She's got dark hair, a slim physique, and a gaze that says _"fuck me now"_. I know what happens next, mom does too, he slips his hand out from hers and excuses himself. 

_Three.  
Two.  
One._

And there he goes.  
Another young woman lured by a handsome, rich man with a lovely smile. He'll promise her forever, but he will never leave my mother.  
It's all about keeping up appearances. That's the thing about living like we do, we all have secrets, but we know better than to break the illusion of our happy life.

"Are you okay, honey? You look a little pale." My mother says.

"I'm okay mama, just a little naucious." 

"Well, let's head home then." She replies, with the warmth of a loving mother, that always comes when I'm sick. She may have a lot of weaknesses, but whenever I'm feeling unwell, I can tell that she truly cares and worries for me. "Your father will be home later." She adds.

"I know." I mumble. 

I feel sorry for her.  
She loves him, I know she does.  
With all his flaws and all his affairs, she still loves him and every day she seems to die a little more. With every move and every breath it's clear that a part of her dies. He is vain and selfish, and all he does is constantly humiliate her. 

The people in town know.  
How could they not?  
And still they keep the charade going.

He comes back from his little ventures and smiles sweetly at her, makes up some excuse for why he's been gone, and she accepts it because she still hopes he will love her again.  
But she knows he might have never truly loved her at all. Mom came from money, it was good business to marry her, and it was what everyone expected of the pair. He liked her at first, that much was clear, but she was younger then. 

I don't want a marriage like that.  
I want to love someone and be loved in return. I want something real, and that's not something I'll ever find in this church. The only real thing about my life is Katya. She's the only one who brings out the person I truly am, and the person I want to be. I'd take that over what my parents have any day.


	19. Wherever You Go

_**Katya** _

I stare at Trixie as she yells out another cheer, longing for the next time I can hold her and kiss her freely.

Our secret time is when my heart's at peace. When her arms are around me I feel like I'm in a dream. I want to create a peaceful world with her. Somewhere where we can be protected from the judging eyes of those around us.   
I want to hold her through the night and sleep in late. I want to make her breakfast in bed. I want to shower with her and wash her hair. I want to do every stupid overly romantic thing one could think of. As long as I'm with her, I'll be happy.

This weekend is special, Trixie's parents are going away to her father's business event and so she invited me to stay over. I've been nervous and jittery all week, and still I'm almost certain she feels even more nervous. 

We have nothing planned really, but it still feels like a big step to stay in the same house overnight. Maybe nothing will happen at all, after all Trixie hasn't been ready to go any further than making out. However she is getting bolder, and has been hinting at wanting to continue on, so it's hard to say what she's thinking.

It doesn't really matter tho. Just the thought of getting to show my love for her uninterrupted makes my heart swell. Just me and her, no one to bother us, our own secret paradise.   
For once I won't have to steal her away from his arms. For once she'll be mine.

Not a day goes by without jealousy rising in my chest from seeing Jason's arms around her. When he kisses her, tears sting in my eyes and rage fills my body, but I push it down. I just want her for my own. I want to tell the world that she's mine, but I can't do that. She shines as bright as the sun, and without her beside me, my soul feels empty. And still, I am not allowed to walk under her glow in broad daylight.

How long can I live this way? I've asked myself that question over and over.   
How long am I willing to be a ghost, hiding in the shadows?

It's been months.   
Months of sneaking around, months of waiting for Trixie, months of constant heartache.

Honestly, it scares me, and if she was anyone else, I would have let her go. But shadows follow the light. So no matter how much I would like to turn away and ignore these feelings, no matter how much I'd want to go back to the days before I met her, I know I can't. I need her. With her by my side I feel on top of the world, and I can't give up on that feeling. 

One day, one day we'll be together for real. We have to be. Someday our happy end will come, I have to believe that. My soul, my body, my heart, they all belong to her. With every breath she takes, my love for her grows. 

Still my heart longs for any clue that her feelings match mine.   
If this is only a fling for her, then I don't know what I'll do.   
What if it's a simple infatuation?   
What if secrecy is what keeps it exciting for her? What happens when our battle is won? Will she still want me or will she search elsewhere?

Trixie's practice ends and I quickly walk away from the bleachers to our meeting spot. She takes a while, having to change and shower before she arrives. As soon as she reaches me, she flings herself into my arms joyfully.   
And then, just as soon as my doubts had come, they disappear from my mind, all my attention on the girl I love.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks as she pulls away from the hug. She smiles warmly, and my heart melts. 

"Yeah, let's go." I say happily, almost taking her hand before remembering that I can't do that in public. In this little corner of the world we're safe from view, but as soon as we head over to her car, we risk being seen. 

And then the sorrowful thoughts return. Worries regarding what we truly are and what we will be, fill my mind once more. And my heart begs for her to show me that she'll still be there when we are no longer living under the protection of dark shadows. 

But I know that even if she does abandon me, my heart is bound to her for the rest of my days.   
If I attempt to let her go, I'll be denying myself my soul's one true need and desire. Letting her go would mean a part of me dies.

So now, wherever she goes, whatever path she may choose, my heart will follow her.


	20. A Trip Into My Garden

_**Trixie** _

The tension is high, the room feeling smaller and hotter by the minute.   
We've done all the normal activities. We talked for a bit, ordered pizza and ate, watched a movie. But now the movie is over, and the temperature in the room is rising. In my mind I can tell her what to do. I can tell her my deepest desires. I can tell her to make the first move because I know I'm too nervous to make it myself.

Katya, please kiss me softly and set me free. Pull me in and touch me like I've been desperate for you to do for so long. I can't control my feelings today, the change in me is clear, so please see it. I've been waiting for this, but I can't find the words to tell you. You're right beside me, but I need you closer then that tonight. I know I've been holding back, it's been hard for me to leave behind my old beliefs, but I know that tonight is our night. Tonight we can open our hearts to eachother. Tonight we can create our own paradise, so please take me there. I trust you like no one else, with you I feel complete safety.

Her lips finally find mine as I lead her down to lay on my bed, baby pink walls and pure white curtains surrounding us. Her hands travel cautiously, even tho all I want is for her to throw caution to the wind. All I want is for her to take control and devour me. I can see the lust sparkling in her eyes. I know she's holding herself back, and I'm silently begging her to let herself go.

No words should be needed for this moment. I can see it in her eyes that she already knows what I've been implying all week. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I know she feels it too. I know she wants this just as much as I do. 

Katya, before the sun rises, before the night ends, before the moonlight leaves us, please give me your love. I've been saving this for someone like you. 

I've never felt like this before, and this continuous addictive feeling scares me. But as long as it's her holding me tight, as long as it's her hands touching me, I'll still find safety. I know she's someone who'll hold my hand if I get scared. Someone who will wait without question if I ask her to. Someone who will slow down if I need her too. I would trust her with my life.

She kisses her way down to my neck like she has done so many times before. Soon she'll pull away unless she's somehow heard my silent prayer. I know her, I know when her desire gets too much and she has to stop completely if we aren't going to continue. I have to tell her. No matter how frightening and embarrassing it is, I have to tell her to keep going.

"Katya, don't stop. Mhmm.. please." I moan as she sucks on the sweet spot of my neck. She pulls back with wide eyes, looking deeply into my eyes.

"Trix, are you sure? We don't have to, really.. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything." Katya says, clearly scared that I'm doing something I'm not ready for. But I am ready, I've never been more ready for anything in all my life.

"I'm sure, please.. I need you." I speak softly, a blush covering my cheeks. 

She jumps into action then, her hands pulling off my clothes until I am layed bare before her. Her eyes roam my form, caressing every curve of my body. Pleasure takes over as her hands explore me, her lips sucking and biting, surely leaving marks, painting my skin with brilliant color. I undress her aswell, marveling at the toned, strong muscles I uncover as her body is revealed to me. 

"You are so beautiful.. So unbelievably pretty, you don't even know." She whispers as her mouth travels down my abdomen, closer and closer to where I need her most. 

If I get bound for hell for these sins, then I will take that punishment happily. I refuse to pray for forgivess for loving someone with all that I am.   
I refuse to accept that loving someone like Katya is a sin.


	21. Like A Sweet Dream

_**Katya** _

Trixie Mattel is not human.   
Trixie Mattel is a fucking Goddess, and I am determined to worship her like she deserves.

My eyes roam around her body, taking in the gorgeous sight and saving every detail in my memory. I let my hands travel across her form, squeezing and stroking the delicate curves and soft flesh, as my lips attack her skin, determined to cover her in dark marks, so the entire world can see that she is taken. Jason may have her by day, but tonight she is mine, and only mine.

"You are so beautiful.. So unbelievably pretty, you don't even know." I whisper as my mouth travels down to where I know she needs me most. 

I blow hot air over her core, smiling a little at how wet she is already.   
What a sinful angel she is there she lays bare beneath me, her wetness soaking the sheets whilst her crucifix stares down at us from the corner of the room and her Bible lays perfectly placed on her bedside table with her silver cross necklace on top. Somehow the contrast between our sinful actions and the clear symbols of her belief makes this even more sexy. It feels forbidden, and maybe it is, but we don't care. 

I lick her clit with light kitten licks, just barely stimulating it, making Trixie whine in a surprisingly cute way. I laugh a little before I circle her swollen nub with more pressure, which makes her tangle her hand in my hair, holding my head close to her.

"More... please Katya, please more." Trixie moans out, clearly already far into the realm of pleasure. 

But I don't want to rush things, it's her first time, and it should be special.   
She should feel adored, taken care of, loved. First times are never the best, even with an experienced partner there is always a thick layer of nerves and awkwardness that will hang over it, but they can still feel special. A good first time should make you want more, make you feel safe and protected, make you feel ready to learn more about your own and your partner's body.   
It needs time, it needs attention, and it needs trust. 

"Patience, baby. I've got you, don't worry. I'll take care of you, кукла." I tell her as I remove her hand from my head and move my head away. 

She whines adorably again and I lean up to kiss her quickly before settling back down. I let two fingers travel up an down her puffy lips, letting her wetness coat them.

"You ready, baby?" I ask, making sure again that this truly is what she wants.

"Ye..Yeah, yes.." She moans as I tease her entrance. 

I slip one finger inside, letting her get used to the feeling. I know Trixie has masturbated, but I also know that she's only relied on external pleasure and has never had anything enter her because her parents convinced her that nothing should penetrate her before her future husband did. Therefor, I wait a while before adding another finger, instead thrusting into her gently with only one digit, curling on occasion.

"Please, more.. I need more." She tells me, breathlessly, and so I enter another finger, feeling her tight pussy stretch around the digits as I start thrusting at a faster pace.

"Oh my god.. uuh, that feels so good.." Trixie moans as I speed up.

I slip in a third finger, her core soaking them as I move them in and out, every thrust reaching deep inside her as she let's out the most beautiful high pitched moans. 

"I'm close.. Oh God, I'm so close, Katya.." She moans out and I lean my head back down again, sucking and lapping at her clit as her high reaches her. 

Her back lifts off the mattress and her gorgeously thick thighs shake with pleasure as she screams out my name. I fuck her slowly through her orgasm before I pull my fingers out. I'm about to lick my fingers clean, when she stops me.

"Wait.. can I.. Can I taste myself?" She asks with a deep blush, and I am in awe at the dirty nature of the request mixed with her shy and cute demeanor.   
Still, I would not miss the sight for the world and so I hold my hand up in front of her, and sure enough, the girl licks them clean, moaning at the taste of herself.

"Holy shit, Trixie... That is so fucking hot.." I whisper as I watch her. 

Once they're clean I attack her lips, circling my tounge around hers.   
I lay down next to her and wrap my arms around her protectively as she yawns cutely. Then she abruptly starts to sit up again as she looks at me with wide eyes.

"What about you?" Trixie asks. I smile at her panic before pulling her back down into my arms.

"Shhh, tonight is about you, we can save the rest for another time." I say, kissing her forehead as I feel her relax in my arms, exhaustion soon pulling her into the land of dreams.

"Goodnight, Trixie. Я люблю тебя." I whisper, almost certain that she won't hear it, and even if she does, she won't know what it means.

One day I will tell her, but not yet.   
For now I'll whisper the words into the darkness of night as she cuddles closer to me.


	22. Time Takes A Toll

_**Trixie** _

When we are children we imagine growing up to live the most incredible life possible. When we get older, we forget all about that. Instead we find comfort in the belief that those who live honest lives but struggle, those who aren't chasing riches selfishly, will be repayed in the afterlife. But I don't think that's what we need. No matter our age, we are all God's children, and we still need a dream that's about life right here, right now.

The dream of a new tomorrow is something no one can steal from us.   
It's a spark that lives inside us, a small flame that will bring us warmth through the coldest winters. And once the flame is big enough, it will shine on us like sunlight, and our spring will come. Someday, everything we dreamed will come to pass. We just have to keep wishing.

But when tomorrow seems too far away, it's easy to loose hope.

"It's been almost half a year, Trixie. And I don't want to be selfish, but you don't understand how difficult it is to see him kiss you. You don't understand how much in breaks my heart to see your parents accept him so easily. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that you're mine, but I can't even tell my own parents about you, instead I have to watch his hands on you day in and day out. I couldn't even give you a proper Christmas present because your parents might find it and question it. It's already spring, and still he is the one who gets to walk you home. Jason is a selfish, judgemental bully, and I don't trust him at all. I constantly worry about something happening to you." Katya says as she paces around her room.

"Katya.. Please, come sit down." I say softly.

"I'm sorry, I'm just... frustrated I guess... I know, it's not your fault, I know you have every reason to be scared. Maybe I'm just nervous that you'll just leave me once we graduate..." She mumbles as she sits down.

"I would never. Katya, I would never leave you. I... I love you." I finally tell her after months of holding back.

"You do?" Katya says in shock.

"Of course I do, how could I not? You're like a dream come true. You've set me free, and I've given you all that I am. I may be forced to stay in Jason's arms for now, but my heart and soul belongs to you."

"I love you too, so much. I have for longer than you could ever know." She replies.

"Really?"

"Have I ever lied to you?" Katya says with a smile and I shake my head. She has never lied to me, all she has ever been is upfront and honest.

I capture her lips with mine, loving how perfectly we fit together. It's slow and filled with emotion, our love and care for eachother evident through every gentle movement.

"What are we going to do, Trixie?" She asks as we pull away, her forehead leaning against mine as her hand tangles itself in my hair.

"We have to believe in a better tomorrow." I say without actually believing my words.

"Trixie, there's no one in the world who can help us, there's no higher power that will come to rescue you, we are the only ones who can change our fate. You are the only one who can control your destiny." Katya tells me as her thumb caresses my cheek.

"I know... It's just hard to accept... Because if there's no one out there to ask for help, then that means I've prayed every prayer in vain. If there's no God who can save me, then I don't know how I will make it through. If there is no one who watches over me, then that means I am truly alone."

"You're never alone, Trixie. I'm here, and I won't leave. I've had my doubts, but that was before I knew your heart. All that's different now that I know you love me as I love you. Now, I won't give up. My soul, my body, my heart, they all belong to you. We will be together when all is said and done, for wherever you go, I will follow you." Katya assures me, tears shining in her eyes.

"All my life I've searched for a home, white walls and picket fences wasn't enough for me, I needed someone who could make it feel like home. I need someone to fall asleep next to, so that someone is there when I wake up in the morning. I've longed for someone like that. And I have that feeling of home now. You are my home, and one day we'll leave this town and we'll never look back. One day we'll travel to a place where we can stay forever and we'll create a home together. No matter how long it takes, I know we'll make it. Please, just wait for me a little longer." I tell her.

"I will wait, I promise I will." She replies, as she kisses my forehead and pulls me closer.

"My Katya.. Someday I'll be able to call you that in front of everyone. With every breath and every kiss you awaken the longing in me that begs for me to constantly stay in your arms. I refuse to give up or let go, and I promise you the same as you do me; wherever you go, I will follow."


	23. I'll Be There Waiting

_**Katya** _

I stare at her longingly as she exists the church, my eyes following her like a lovesick puppy. Her parents smile warmly as Jason's hand reaches around her waist. That would be me, if only they would let me. 

I know what I'm doing is stupid. I know I'm setting myself up for pain by coming here, besides I'm meeting her later anyways so there's no need for this. But she's always on my mind, every second, every minute, every day and night, so even without coming I'd still miss her. 

There her father goes as per usual.  
Her mother's eyes following him as desperately as mine follow Trixie. Her face falling in the familiar way that mine does whenever Jason touches my brown eyed angel. 

Maybe she'd understand?  
Would it be enough for her to know that her daughter wouldn't be stuck in the same situation as her?  
Maybe not... 

Trixie please, let's just runaway...  
Can't we runaway now?  
We can find a way, I don't care how we do it. Name any place in the world, and just call my name and I'll be there waiting. I don't want to waste another day with us apart, so please let's just run far away from here. 

As I see them leave I get on my bike, driving to the outskirts of town where I know Trixie will meet me soon. It's a ritual we've done a hundred times by now. A dance that goes round and round. But whenever I think I might get sick of it, Trixie arrives and smiles sweetly, and then it's all better. She's my cure, and I know she's worth it all. Even with my last breath I would call her name, and I know she'd cure me in seconds. 

Do you even know, Trixie?  
Do you know that you're the one?  
My one and only? 

"Hey baby." I greet her as she walks over to me after parking her car. 

"Hi Kat." She says before she wraps her arms around me, pulling me in for a kiss. 

"Good service?" I tease. 

"Boring as fuck, and so stressful." 

"Oh my god, did the Trixie Mattel actually fully curse? Wow, it must have been shit." I say in surprise as we sit down on the soft grass. 

"Jason wouldn't stop touching me. He's getting pushy, and really suspicious. My collar slipped down a little and he saw one of my hickeys. He didn't bring it up in front of mom, thank God, but still he's really pressing me to tell him where it's from. He may be a jerk, but he's not dumb. He knows something is up, and I think he's known for a while." Trixie says. 

"Seriously? What are you going to do about it? And what do you think he'll do?" 

"I don't know... In a dream world I'd ignore it until graduation, break up with him, and run away with you, but I'm worried he might find out what's going on before that and tell my parents." She says in a worried tone. 

"Shit, that would be bad..." 

"Yeah, but please, let's not think about that now. Right now, I just wanna be with you." She says as she cuddles into my chest. 

"Okay, we won't worry about it now, but tomorrow we should worry about it." I tell her, kissing the top of her head. 

"Okay, we can worry about it tomorrow." She agrees, sounding a little tired, likely from having gotten up early for church. 

"I love these moments with you. When it's just us, where no one can find us. Out here we aren't really sneaking around like we are at school, you know? This is like our refuge, our own little island. Here I can just cuddle close to you or lay in your lap with your hand in my hand. When we're here, I believe that we can make it. That we'll find our happy ending." Trixie speaks softly as we stare out at the horizon. 

"Do you believe in happy endings?" I ask her curiously. 

"Yes, well, not in general. But I believe in us, most of all I believe in you. I believe in you because you love me just the way I am, for everything I am, with everything you are. I want to be by your side all my life, and so I believe in us." She says, lifting her head to look me in the eyes. "I have to believe in something, otherwise I might fall apart, so if I'm going to believe in something I'm choosing to believe in us. I'm choosing to believe in you." 

"Then I'll believe in that too, I've never had any religion, but I can believe in us." I say as I pull her closer, letting my warmth transfer to her. 

If it was anyone else, I could never have made true promises, but I know I'll stay with her forever. So as I take her hand in mine I force myself to trust that there is a happy ending waiting for us. Just as some people believe in a life after death, I place my belief in a life with her. 

"I love you." I whisper. 

"I love you too." She tells me as she lifts our joint hands and kisses my wrist softly. 


	24. Truth Always Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: assault/violence, verbal abuse, slurs

_**Trixie** _

"Don't act like we both don't know what I saw, Trixie." Jason says as he pushes me into the wall, unbuttoning my blazer and pulling it off, staring at the marks on my upper body. I feel exposed, violated, even tho I'm still fully clothed.

"God, you really know how to play your part well, don't you? Here I was actually believing that you were just so pure and so dedicated to God's word that you'd never have sex before marriage, but clearly that's not the case 'cause someone's clearly been very busy marking you up. So who is it, huh?" He speaks.

"Jason, I.." I can't find any words to explain it away. For what possible explanation could I give him? 

Losing him is not what concerns me, I'd gladly be rid of him, but being alone in an empty locker room with him does scare me. He could do anything to me, and I know he's got anger issues. But even more so, I know that leaving this room won't make me safe. Once we leave this room, he'll most likely tell my parents straight away and their wrath will be upon me.

"What Trixie? Are you gonna pretend like they're something else? Do you want me to look for more of them? I'm sure there are more on you." He spits at me, throwing me down on the hard floor. 

"No, please! Stop!" I beg as he pushes the hem of my dress up and pulls my legs apart to reveal more marks.

Katya, please come. Please realise that I've taken far too long to meet up with you. Please, come find me.

"You fucking whore.. I guess you've learned from your dad, huh? Fucking cheating bitch!" He says as he slaps me.

"Please Jason, please stop!" I cry.

"Oh poor little Trixie, so innocent and pure... What a fucking lie. I hope God damns you to hell. You're a fucking tease! Wearing those outfits you wear and constantly denying me, your boyfriend, my God damn right to touch you, and then you fuck others behind my back. Who is it, Trixie? Who is it?! You worthless piece of shit! Tell me who it is!" He screams at me. He raises his arm to slap me again, but before the familiar sting comes, my angel of protection is there.

_Katya._

"Get the fuck away from her you psychopath!" She yells as she pushes him backwards and punches him in the face, the sound of his nose cracking filling the room.

"You fucking bitch!" He yells in pain as he clutches his now bleeding nose.

"Baby, baby are you okay?" Katya asks worried as she bends down to check on me and helps me stand. She picks up my jacket and puts it on me, carefully buttoning it up.

"I'm okay." I assure her with a soft smile. "Thank you for saving me." I add as I hug her close, completely forgetting Jason's eyes watching us.

"It's her..." Jason speaks in realization. "Oh my god, this is fucking rich! Trixie Mattel is a fucking dyke! Wow, your parents are gonna have a fucking field day with this one, Trixie."

"Jason... Jason, I know you're mad, but please.." I start to beg him.

"You're not even denying it, holy shit... Well, enjoy it while it lasts Trixie. You're gonna fucking regret that you weren't loyal to me. This is God's punishment." He says before he walks out the door.   
I try to stop him, try to beg him not to tell, but he ignores me and walks away.

It's over...   
He's gonna tell them.   
My life is over.

"Oh my god, no... No, this can't be happening. Fuck, why did you call me baby? Why did this have to happen? Why were we so obvious?" I say as I pace back and forth.

"Are you saying this is my fault?" Katya says in a hurt tone.

"No. No, of course not. I'm not blaming you. I'm just scared." I say as I take her hands in mine.

"Do you still love me like before?" She mumbles out.

"Of course I do. Nothing will change that, Katya." I reply as I lean in to kiss her softly. "My love, we will be together when all is said and done, for wherever you go, I will follow." I tell her.   
Saying the same words that we've spoken so many times before.   
Now we'd truly be tested on if they were true or not.


	25. To Make You Happy

_**Trixie** _

_"You're no daughter of mine!"_

That's what my dad screamed at me.

They didn't take the news well, or more specifically, dad didn't take the news well. He made me tell him everything about Katya, screamed at me for defying God's word. He called me a freak of nature, told me I'm grounded for the rest of the school year and that I should feel lucky that he's not kicking me out, and then called the school and demanded that Ms. Visage changes my math partner. Dad then called our minister and asked for councelling sessions for me, and also asked him for Alyssa's help to keep me on a straight path at school. Basically, I'm screwed...

I don't even know what to tell Katya.   
How do I tell her that I basically have no chance of seeing her?   
How do I beg her to wait even longer?  
Will she even want to?

"Trixie, honey?" My mom says as she knocks on my door.

"Yeah?" I say through thick tears. 

I've been crying for hours.   
I have never been yelled at like that.  
I've never misbehaved in all of my life, so he never had a reason to.

"Can I come in?" She asks as she peaks her head in the door. 

"Sure." I whisper. 

I don't know what mom thinks, she hasn't said a word since I came home. Dad went for a full blown attack, but mom stayed completely silent with just a blank expression, which I still don't know what to think of.

She walks inside, looks around for a bit without saying anything, before she smiles as she spots an old light green sweater.

"You never liked this sweater. You always tried to fake it for me, but I knew you thought it itched too much and that you felt it didn't fit you right." She says as she picks it up and sits down on my bed next to me. 

"Such a silly little thing to lie about, and still you did. Always my perfect little girl in the bedroom down the hall. I remember you used to have an Ariel night light and we'd sing Part Of Your World every night before I got you to sleep. And you had glow stars on your ceiling. You thought they protected you from monsters. And the Barbies... God, you could never get enough of them. Always finding more that you wanted to add to your collection of toys. Back then I did anything to make you happy, I wanted to give you the world, and I don't think I realised that we at some point switched roles..." She speaks, her eyes still searching the room.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"You shouldn't have to lie to me, Trixie. You should have never had to put on a smile and pretend. You've seen the bottles, right?" Mom says.

"Ehm.. yeah, yeah I have." I say sheepishly. 

I know she's been drinking too much, I've known for a long time, but actually discussing it still feels very uncomfortable. 

"And you know about your dad's endeavours?" 

I nod in response, I know far too well about dad's affairs. 

"I thought so... What a palace of secrets we're living in, huh? I should leave him, shouldn't I?" She says.

"I don't know, but I don't think I could stay with someone like him." I respond, being completely honest with my mom for the first time in years.

"I know... It's just hard, I love him, you know? Stupid really, I've always known he didn't truly love me. But at least he gave me you." She speaks, making me turn to her in surprise.

"Wait.. you, you don't hate me?" 

"Trixie, why would I ever hate you? You're my daughter." My mom responds, seeming shocked at the very idea. 

"But... but, dad was so angry and he said I wasn't his daughter anymore and it defies your belief and you didn't speak against him and..."

"Trixie. Trixie, honey, calm down." She says, pulling me into a hug. "It's okay, I promise. It's okay. Your dad has no right to speak about God's will, he sins more than both of us put together. But no, I don't hate you. He might push you away, but I won't, you're still my perfect little girl in the bedroom down the hall. I don't fully understand it, I don't know what to think in terms of God's plan for you, and I didn't see it coming, but I still love you." She adds, and I feel tears streaming down my cheeks.   
I don't need her to understand it, not as long as she still loves me. 

"I love you too, mom." I say softly through my tears. Mom pulls back from the hug and smiles at me as she dries some of my tears and brushes my hair away from face. I feel like a little girl again. Her little girl.

"So... Kati..no, ehm, Katya?" She asks, uncertain if she's remembered the name right. I nod at her. "Do you love her?" Mom adds.

"More than anything in the world." I reply without hesitation.

"Good, and she loves you?"

"Very much, I have no doubt that." I say.

"Okay then, that's all that matters." She responds. "I can't change your father's mind or change his punishments, but I will support you and I will try my best to be couragous enough to leave him so he can stop hurting us both." 

"Thank you, mom." I whisper as I throw myself into her arms again. 

We might not be out of the woods yet, but now there's at least hope. Now I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  
There's a chance.


	26. Call Me Quick

_**Katya** _

It's been hours since Trixie got home. I've texted her over and over, called her about a hundred times, and still no reply. I just want to know if she's okay, although, I'm pretty sure that I already know the answer to that question. 

"Katya? Darling, you have to eat something." My mom says as she enters my room with a tray of food.

I know that I've missed dinner. She's been asking me to come downstairs for ages, but I have no appetite.

"I'm not hungry, Мама." I mutter into my pillow.

"Sweetheart, tell me what's wrong. This isn't like you." She says, putting the tray down on my bedside table before she sits down on my bed. 

"I've kind of been dating someone..."

"Oh a new girl? That's wonderful, Katya." Mom says excitedly. "Why are you so upset about that?"

"Because we can't be together... She's really popular and so she's scared to come out because this town has so many judgemental people in it, and her family is really religious, so she's been dating a popular guy whilst dating me, but he found out about us and was so mad, and now he's told her parents, and she won't answer my texts and it's all a fucking mess..."

"Okay, breathe, you're rambling. I'm sure she's just trying to work everything out. She probably doesn't want to call until she has some answers for you. She must be going through such a tough time, poor thing... Can you believe we moved from Russia so you could have more freedom and then we come here to find similar views?" She responds, placing a calming hand on my shoulder.

"I hope so, it just makes me nervous... And yeah, it's kind of ironic how it all turned out. Do you want to stay here?" I ask her.

"In America? Yes. In this small _let's-all-praise-jesus_ town? No. Honestly, your dad and I have been discussing moving away after you graduate, but if you have a girlfriend that might be harder for you." She replies.

"I'd still like to move, and honestly, I think Trixie wants to get out of here as soon as she can, I can't imagine her choosing to stay for longer than she has to. She might even move to start at some fancy college, she's incredibly smart."

"Trixie, huh? Is that her name?" Mom says with a teasing smile. I blush a little, suddenly feeling shy.

"Uhm, yeah... Her name is Trixie Mattel." 

"Mattel? As in the super rich family with the dad that sleeps around?" Mom asks.

"How do you know about that?"

"Honey, I don't need to pay much attention to town gossip to know about that." She replies, and I feel even worse for Trixie. It must have been awful for her to live like that and see her mom's heart break over and over, not ever talking about him cheating whilst the entire town discusses it openly.

"I didn't realise it was such common knowledge.." 

"I know, it's a little sad isn't it? But that's how it is in these small towns, that's exactly why I don't think we should stay. I hear them talking about you too, running their mouths about your bike, and your tattoos, and your sexuality. You'd think you were the devil himself." Mom says.

"Aren't I?" I respond jokingly in a wierd voice which makes her laugh.

"Oh my Kathinka, you've always been a free spirit. You can't be locked up in a town like this." She says as she gives me a quick hug before standing up to leave. "Please eat something, okay? I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. Life has a funny way of working itself out." 

"I will try." I reply honestly.

"Good. I love you, мой дорогой." 

"I love you too, Мама." I tell her as she exists. 

I hope she's right.   
I hope everything works out.  
I hope it's not the end of us.  
I can't handle that.

Please Trixie, give me some sign that we are going to be okay.  
Baby, call me quick.  
We shouldn't call it quits, 'cause I can't handle it if we do.  
I can't go back to a life without you.

Just then my phone pings, allerting me that I've got new messages

_**5** new messages from **Trixie** 🐰🎀_

_Hey, sorry I haven't texted you.  
First of all I'm okay, at least mostly.   
Dad's furious and he's doing his best to make sure that I won't be able to see you. _

_But mom told me that she still loves me, she also said she doesn't understand it, but that all that mattered was that we loved eachother.  
She's supporting me and she said she's going to try to build up the courage to leave dad, so I think we'll be okay if we're just patient. _

_I hate that I have to ask you to wait for me again, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now.  
So please, just wait a little longer. _

_Dad's taking away my phone after this, but I managed to convince him to let me text some friends to inform them about me being unreachable first.  
But that does mean I won't be able to reply anymore._

_I'll see you in the hallways.  
I love you._


	27. Maybe Tomorrow

_**Trixie** _

Time ticks by slowly, and every day I feel everyone's watchful eyes on me.   
Rumors have spread, most likely due to Jason, but they still couldn't hurt me much. Alyssa has kept me with her at all times outside of class, preaching God's wishes into my ear at every opportunity. I like Alyssa, but I hate how seriously she's been taking her task. Blair's also been helping her which isn't very helpful to me, but at least Blair seems to be less insane about me being damned to hell for what they've nicknamed my "mistake". Farrah doesn't really chime in much, she mainly stays out of it, whilst Courtney of course fights their opinions as much as she can despite me never actually admitting to her that I am gay.

Seeing Katya at school is torture.   
We can't talk, we can't text, we can't meet up... 

We can't even put notes in eachother's lockers because of Alyssa's iron grip on me. All we can do is give eachother longing stares in the hallways.

Everything still seems like a dream, or maybe a nightmare, and I'm begging for someone to wake me up. Waiting for someone to tell me it's not real.   
I spend all day inside my small room, locked in with time and the memories of us and the hope of a better future. When I look outside my window everyone seems so happy, surrounded by bright flowers in full bloom. But I'm trapped inside glass like a girl in a snowglobe, constantly surrounded by a harsh winter as someone shakes up my world once more. Banging on the glass as I beg for someone to let me out. At least the pieces of our beautiful memories fly like glitter inside the globe along with the falling snow, warming my heart and protecting me from the freezing cold.

Maybe tomorrow our relationship will have a new start, or maybe the tomorrow after that. Maybe the days coming will be painful, but if I look into her eyes once again, I know I'll find the courage to wait another day. Even if we have to wait for love, I know we're making our way to eachother step by step. I'll stay the same even after countless seasons, just waiting to be wrapped up in her arms again so the cold can melt away. Hoping she will still love me. 

When I go to sleep I cling to my pillow, dreaming it's her. But when I wake up reality hits me. She isn't there in my arms, it's just soft fabric I'm hugging tightly as if it's my only lifeline.   
This road we're walking is hard and long, each week seeming like an eternity. I feel like I've lost everything. As my heart falls deeper and deeper in love, I cry alone from missing her, wondering if she misses me just as much. 

When graduation finally comes I'll be free to leave. I can only hope that my mom will either leave dad before that, or that she's ready to move far away from here once I'm done with school.

I'm leaving no matter what. There's multiple good schools that I know I'm likely going to get into, and staying anywhere near here for college is unthinkable. But I don't want to leave mom alone to pick up the pieces after I'm gone. She may have been distant for years, but when I needed her most, she stood by me. If I come out and leave, the entire town will shame her for failing as a mother. I know how they are, they gossip about everything. I don't want her to go through that.

"Hey Trixie." Courtney says as she sits down next to me in music class which we were both quite early for. Music is thankfully a subject that Alyssa doesn't have with me, allowing me some time to breathe.

"Hi Court."

"So, uhm, Katya asked me to give you this. I promise I haven't looked at what it says." She tells me as she hands me a note. 

I feel my heart beating faster and tears forming in my eyes as I open it, a bright smile forming on my lips as I read the words.

_Hey Trix. I can't stand not being able to talk to you, so I had to send this through Courtney. I just want you to know, I love you. We can make it through this, just stay strong and soon we can run far away from here. My parents are moving to Boston, I'm planning on going with them. I know Harvard was your first choice, so if you get in, maybe that could be a good place for us? A new beginning? Mom and dad also want to help your mom with anything she might need to move away, so please know that we are all on your side. Remember to eat well, even tho I never do. Get enough rest, I know you always work too much. And by the way, you look beautiful today, you always do._

"Thank you for getting this to me." I say, wiping away some tears. 

"You're welcome." She replies simply, not pushing for me to talk and not questioning my reaction.

"Courtney, you know, don't you?" 

"Know what?" She asks.

"That I'm gay."

"Well, no, not exactly. I assumed that you and Katya were more than just a mistake or one time thing, especially because of how you look at her and how she talks about you. But I didn't make assumptions regarding what your sexuality was. You could have been pan or bi or gay, or identified as something else entirely, and that's okay. Thank you for telling me tho, that takes bravery. I assume you struggled a lot with accepting it yourself." Courtney says, and I can't help but marvel at how openly she dicusses it.

"Ehm yeah, it was a lot.. I denied it for a long time, but Katya made me feel like it was okay. And you're right, it's way more. I love her and she loves me. We just gotta get out of this town so we can be together. I gotta get away from my dad." 

"Yeah, he really is a dick, isn't he? But I'm happy that you've found someone you love, you deserve it." She says, speaking softer as students start to fill the classroom.

"He is. Mom took it well tho, which was comforting. And thank you." I reply before we turn our attention towards our teacher.

That's at least one more person who knows. One more person at my side. And even better one person who Katya and I can safely communicate through.

The outside world that seemed so dark even in daylight is getting brighter as I know we are getting closer to being together after enduring this tangled time. And finally the long wait will be worth it. 


	28. A Place Called Home

_**Trixie** _

"What's gotten into you?!" My dad yells at my mom.

Dad spent the night out with one of his many one night stands and when he returned home, mom just completely boiled over. Suddenly, all the built up anger and frustration came out, the shattered pieces of her broken heart flying towards him like arrows. 

"Don't you dare turn this around on me! You are the one who ruined this marriage. I was the perfect wife for you and all you ever did was run around town with any girl you could get in bed." Mom responds, a fire glowing in her that I have never seen before.

"You fucking ungrateful bitch!" My dad yells as he slaps her, making me gasp. Mom's eyes glow red as she stands tall against him.

"Get out of this house. Right now. And don't you dare come anywhere near Trixie's graduation. The moment she graduates, I'm leaving with her. I'll mail you the divorce papers." She says bravely.

"This is my house!"

"No, it's not. It was bought with my fortune before we were married so it's mine, and I'm kicking you out." She replies. 

Dad grabs is coat, shoes, and wallet in anger as he storms out the door. Mom breathes out deeply and sits down on the couch. I sit down beside her soon after.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"I'm fine, I actually expected worse. Of course, he'll likely be back, but I'm hoping for us to be gone before he does. You said Katya's family wanted to help, do you think they'd let us stay with them until your graduation on Thursday? I don't like to ask for charity, but I think it's our safest choice, knowing how angry your father will be once he returns." She says.

"I think they would let us stay. Are you actually serious about leaving tho? Going to Boston with me?" I ask her. 

I got into Harvard so I will be moving there, but I know that leaving is difficult for her. Mom grew up in this town, this is all she knows.

These white picket fences, this large house, this small town, this is her world. Her life is walking around in her garden, picking apples and baking pies, taking care of flowers and growing herbs. She was the perfect housewife, the perfect daughter, and had the seemingly perfect life, until now.

"Of course I am. Darling, I have wasted enough years of my life, and I won't waste more. I also refuse to watch you waste away in this town. And truthfully, I've never felt truly at home here. I remember your dad and I went on a cruise once for one of his business trips. As we were heading home, a ship traveling in the opposite direction passed us. I remember thinking that they were sailing away and we were sailing home, until I realised that I had no idea were home truly was. This place is a house, it's not a home. It hasn't been anything close to a home for years. It's just like Nora says in Ibsen's play, you know; our home has never been anything but a playroom, I've been his doll-wife, just as I used to be my father's doll-child. And then you, Trixie, you were my doll. I used to think it was fun when he came in and played with me, just as you thought it fun when I went to play games with you. That's all our marriage was..." Mom tells me.

"Yeah, that does sound familiar... I don't really know if I've ever felt home here either. Well, I guess when I was really young, but everything became about keeping our secrets and achieving more than everyone else. I constantly ranked myself, compared myself to everyone else, felt awful if I wasn't the best..."

"I promise, Trixie. I will take you somewhere where you feel safe to be who you are. Somewhere that you can feel welcome no matter if you're the top of the class or not. Soon I'll give you a true home, not this dollhouse that we've been living in. And I promise to show you that I love you unconditionally. I promise to do better." She says, hugging me close to her. 

"I love you mom, so much. Thank you for standing by me." I whisper. 

"Of course, my darling. You don't have to thank me, that was the least I could do." She replies. 

In that moment I feel the change coming. Soon we will be free from this godforsaken town, and Katya will be in my arms again. No more hiding, no more lies, soon it will just be me and her. We will be together when all is said and done.


	29. If It's Not With You

_**Katya** _

I pace back and forth, waiting for them to arrive. I don't know why I'm nervous. Maybe because I'm meeting Trixie's mom for the first time. Maybe because I'll finally have Trixie in my arms again and I'm afraid that something could have shifted.

Since we've been apart, sleeping has terrified me because I hated waking up to find that my dreams weren't real. Now everything I've dreamed of is coming true, but again I feel scared that this might turn out to be a fantasy. 

Before I met Trixie, life felt like a lie, and I just needed something to be true. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I felt as if something was missing, and then I finally found the puzzle piece. But then that love was hidden away in dark corners and hidden corridors, and soon the fear of that love being a fantasy filled me. 

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe that's true because I've never been more sure of my feelings for Trixie. Since we've been apart I haven't been getting sleep, I've forgotten to eat, whilst trying to pretend that I'm fine. But I'm not fine without her, I need her. I'm not living if it's not with her. I just hope she still loves me as much as before. 

The doorbell finally rings and I run to it instantly. I pull the door open and see two women standing outside. A bright smile spreads across my lips as I pull the familiar young girl into my arms.

"You're here. Trixie, my Trixie." I whisper, more to myself then her as I feel tears threatening to escape my eyes, the feeling of having her back in my arms completely overwhelming.

"God, please never let go. It feels so good to be back in your arms." She replies as she snuggles into my shoulder.

"Well, hate to break this sweet moment, but you're gonna have to let your girlfriend go if I'm ever gonna meet her." Her mom says jokingly from behind her, a warmth in her voice that I had not expected. 

We pull away from the hug and I nervously dry my hands on my jeans as I feel them get clammy.

"Ehm..hello Miss.. ehm Mrs. Mattel, I am Katya. It is very nice to meet you." I say, stumbling over my words, my accent shining through clearer than it had in months, which makes Trixie giggle adorably.

"It's very nice to finally meet you Katya, I'm sorry it took me a while. I'm Val." The woman says as shakes my hand with a smile. 

"Katya, you should have told us that they had arrived." My mom says as she runs out of the kitchen, dad following behind her calmly. "Hi, you must be Trixie's mom! I'm Pat and this is my husband Ivan." Mom speaks enthusiastically.

"Hello, it is nice to meet you." Dad adds. The man is always polite, but he is also a very reserved person. Mom and Dad really are so different, and yet that's what makes them work.

"Pleasure to meet you too, and please just call me Val. Thank you so much for letting us stay for a couple days." Trixie's mom replies.

"Of course! You were in a jam and we've got space, and any friend of Katya's is a friend of us, or well, girlfriend of Katya's. Speaking of... you must be Trixie, and wow you really are gorgeous aren't you? You did well with this one, Kathinka." Mom says, as always very upfront and outgoing. Trixie blushes a deep red as I take her hand in mine, a shy smile spreading across her lips.

"Hi Mrs Zamolodchikova, it's nice to finally meet you... I'm sorry it took me so long to introduce myself." Trixie says in a soft tone.

"Aw, you are just adorable, and don't you worry about it. Sometimes circumstance is in our way. But we're so happy to have you here. Now, why don't you two have your reunion alone and then me and Ivan can get to know Val, okay?" Mom says with a smile, a slight jokingly suggestive undertone to her tone. Nevertheless, I waste no time and pick up Trixie's bags to bring her to my room.

Trixie's mom would be staying in our guest bedroom. However mom had the brilliant idea to let Trixie sleep in my room and to my surprise Val had actually agreed, something I mostly owe to the fact that my parents had graciously let them stay for as long as they needed to.

"God, this still feels like a dream." Trixie says as we get inside my room. 

She wraps her arms around me and suddenly my world falls into place again. My missing piece is back. Her lips breathing new life into me. The look in her eyes relighting the fire within me.

"I've missed you so much." I say.

"I've missed you too, but we're together now, just like we said we'd be." Trixie replies before kissing my shoulder and leaning her head on it. 

We're together now.  
That's all that matters.

We're finally together again.


	30. Depend On You

_**Katya** _

"Are you sure mom didn't intimidate you too much?" Trixie asks as we prepare for bed.

"It's fine, don't worry. Honestly, she's taking all this alot better than I ever thought she would. I don't think she'll ever be happy about you riding with me on my bike, nor do I think she'll ever find my tattoos as fascinating as you do, but honestly I like that she's taking an interest in who I am and our relationship." I say sincerely as I lay down next to her. "I'm planning on staying in your life for a long time, you know. It's good that she's getting used to me." I add, kissing the top of Trixie's head.

"God, you are so cheesy." 

"Trixie Mattel, are you taking the Lord's name in vain?" I respond in an overly dramatic way.

"Honestly fuck God, he ain't deciding over me no more." Trixie replies as she snuggles into my chest. 

"Wow Trix, I've really corrupted you." I laugh.

"You truly have." She whispers seductively, the mood in the room changing instantly as she places soft kisses on my neck, sucking lightly on certain points.

"Oh God..." I breathe out, one of my hands grabbing her ass and kneading the soft flesh. 

"I missed you.. I missed your touch on me.." Trixie says. 

"I missed you too, кукла.. But if we're gonna continue this, then you have to stay very, very quiet." I tell her.

I'm used to keeping moans in, used to fucking people in silence to avoid being discovered. However Trixie has a tendency to get loud from even small touches, something that almost got us caught multiple times when we were still in hiding. 

"I will be, just please... I need you." She whimpers with a soft pout, which she knows will win me over in seconds. 

_Yes, I am whipped. And I'm okay with that._

My lips find hers as my hands find her large breasts, the weight and softness of them making me moan softly into her mouth as I squeeze them. I kiss down her jaw and starts to mark up her lower neck, feeling an odd sense of possessiveness as I stare at how unmarked and perfect her skin looks.

Last time I was with her, her neck and the swell of her breasts were covered by sweet little marks, and I can't help but want them to return. Still, I try to restrain myself from coloring her skin too harshly as it was after all what triggered us to be separated for so long.

My hand reaches underneath the flimsy fabric of her light pink nightie, pushing her lace panties to the side as I push inside her. She mewls softly before she bites down on her lip, desperately trying to hold in noises as I fuck her deeply. 

"Good girl, so good for me... So wet for me already..." I whisper in between my trail of kisses. 

She looks like an angel.   
Her head leaning back in pleasure, her golden hair spread out on the bed like a halo, her eyes closed as she let's the hands of desire take over.   
She grips onto me, sometimes curling her hands in my hair, other times reaching down to squeeze one of my boobs.

The miracle of small, quiet sounds surround us as we wander through the dark forest of lust together. I curl my fingers upwards and she grips the sheets with both hands. Soon after I climb down until I'm between her legs, sending her over the edge with warm strokes of my tounge and kitten licks to her clit. Her thighs shake and her back arches off the bed as I work her through her orgasm. 

I come up to kiss her, expecting her to want to sleep, however she takes me by surprise and flips us over. She pulls my t-shirt off, her warm hands coming to play with my perky breasts. Her mouth soon replaces her hands, her tounge flicking the swollen nub on my boob, her teeth lightly grazing the sensitive flesh as her hand pushes my underwear to the side. 

She starts by copying what I did to her as she starts to thrust her fingers in gentle movements. Sex is still quite new for her, uncharted territory, but she soons finds her way, reading each signal from my body and responding to it. 

"More, Trix... Please, more." I whisper, and soon after she ads a third finger.

"Is it...okay?" She whispers out uncertainly.

"So good baby, I'm almost there... don't stop, кукла." I respond, trying to speak as quietly as possible. 

The statement seems to give her more confidence as her movements become more deliberate and her pace quickens. She leans down and gently licks my clit, and seconds later my high reaches me. 

"Fuck Trix..." I say as I lean back, my hands pathetically reaching out for her. She takes the hint as soon she's wrapped up in my arms. 

"You did so good baby." I tell her before kissing her head. An adorable blush spreads on her cheeks as she smiles shyly before hiding her head in my chest. "You're so cute, it should be illegal." I add.

"Well, you're so hot it should be illegal." She mumbles into my chest, sounding embarrassed to even say those words. I laugh a little, which makes her softly punch my shoulder. 

"Don't laugh at me." She says with a pout.

"I'm just laughing because your cute, baby. I'm really happy my adorable little bunny thinks I'm hot. You're also hot as fuck by the way. I thought my eyes were gonna pop out of my skull the first time I saw you because of how gorgeous you were." I say honestly, which of course only results in Trixie blushing a deeper shade of red.

"I love you, Trix." 

"I love you too, Katya." She lifts her head to say, before our lips meet in another perfect kiss. 

A sense of serenity fills me as the knowledge that I have someone that I know I can depend on gives me a chance to breathe calmly. 

When I look into those honey brown eyes, I see a future.   
When I look at her, I see a love I can believe in. A love I can trust. 

With her hand in mine I am reminded of the faith in my dreams, and I know I can walk until I reach the finish line as long as she keeps holding my hand tightly. 


	31. Goodbye Sky Castle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everyone!

_**Trixie** _

"Can you believe him? The nerve! Not only does he treat mom like crap for years, now he's gonna make it seem like he's the one leaving her?!" I say as I pace back and forth inside of Katya's room.

It's been an interesting couple of days.  
Rumors that mom and I are staying with Katya's family have of course spread, because this town does not know how to keep out of other people's business. And in an even more interesting turn of events, dad used it as an opportunity to make himself look better. Therefor he's been telling everyone that he _as a man of God_ , can't remain married to a woman who supports me in my life choice.   
So not only is he claiming to be a better Christian than mom, he's also basically outed me to the entire town.   
So yeah, my dad's a real legend... 

"Okay, calm down tiger." Katya says, taking my hand and leading me to sit down on the bed next to her.

"I'm sorry, it just makes me so pissed. And on top of it all, he just goes and casually outs me to the town? Fucking asshole." I respond.

"Yeah, he's not getting the father of the year award, that's for sure... ебаный мудак. I'm really sorry all this happened, ангел." 

"It's okay... well, it's not okay... but at least we'll be leaving this town soon. I just can't believe he'd go this far. How little respect is it possible to have for your own family? How little does he care about us? How can he have been married to mom for so many years, known for ages that he was hurting her constantly, and still paint her as the bad guy? How can he throw me away like I'm nothing?" I say sadly.

It's not that I've ever expected much from dad, I've known all my life that I've been more of a trophy then a daughter to him. But I guess a small part of me still hoped that some part of him loved me. Things were kind of okay at one point in our life, there were moments were I thought there was some care in his eyes, so why has all trace of it dissappeared now? 

Why was I even hopeful?   
Why have I let a part of me believe that he might love me?   
Why have I set myself up for failure?

Maybe because I dedicated my life to him and mom. My entire life I lived for them and for God. Followed every demand, worked myself to the bone, prayed as hard as I could, all just to please them. I cried myself to sleep over disappointing test results. I went to school even if I was sick. I believed because I was told to believe. I tried so hard to be brave and stick it out, fought through it all just to see them smile.

Dad never smiled brighter at me then he did whenever I did the best academically. If he could brag that I was top of the class then he'd take me to fancy parties and tell everyone, show me off like some possession.

It was like living in a sky castle. You could be on top of the world, and then almost fall to your death the very next. But I did it... I endured it because of that small part of me that wanted to believe that he would love me for me if I only worked hard enough. 

"Oh кукла, I really wish it wasn't like this. I wish there was something I could do..." Katya says as she wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"You just being here is enough." I say softly, resting my head on her shoulder. "You know what annoys me the most tho?" I add.

"What?"

"I didn't get to have my big coming out moment. I had this idea of like coming out in my graduation speech. Like, drop a huge bomb and then skip town." I say in a more upbeat tone.

"You could still do it." Katya says.

"Nah, I think I'll stick with the more standard stuff. I don't think it would have that much effect now anyways." 

"Well, it's you choice, but I still think it would be pretty badass." Katya says as she pulls me in closer.

At least now I don't have to try to prove myself to be worthy of someone's love. Now I'm surrounded by people that I know love me, and who's love won't change depending on how much I achieve. No matter how dad tries to hurt us, I'd rather have this then his castle in the sky. 

My life with mom.   
My life with Katya.   
Her family.  
That's worth the world to me.


	32. This Is Our Time

_**Trixie** _

"You may be seated. I would now like to bring to the microphone, your valedictorian, Trixie Mattel." Our principal says.

I walk up to the front of the stage nervously, searching for Katya's eyes in the crowd for support.   
Our class is quite small, so why does it seem like there are so many students here?

Finally I find her, she gives me and encouraging smile and a nod, and I release a breath that I didn't know I was holding. I run a hand through my large curls before I start talking. 

"Good evening. On behalf of the senior class, I'd like to begin with thanking the staff of Liberty High School. Thank you for your support and hard work.   
I know alot about hard work, but I know alot of people here assume that I gained this title easily. For most here, I'm sure it was no surprise that I became valedictorian. After all, I've been your student body president, I've been head cheerleader, I've been a mathlete, and I've been a straight A student. For as long as I've been alive, I've been taught that being on top was all that mattered, and so I chose to work my ass off to be on top in every way I could. I truly did anything I could to be perfect." I speak clearly into the microphone.

"Are you also on top in bed, dyke?" I hear a voice yell out from the audience, and I see most of my classmates laugh.

"You know what? I had a whole speech prepared, but fuck that. Let's talk about this school and this town honestly for a minute. Let's truly talk about it." I say angrily and a gasp fills the room. 

"This school is called Liberty High. Liberty. Can you imagine a more unfitting name for the school environment we have here? No one here is free. No one is free to be who they want to be, instead we all fight to be what we're told to be. This town is a toxic rumor mill, and it is only hurting everyone here. But yeah, I'm gay. What about it?" 

The room is silent, so silent you can hear a pin drop. 

"We are on the brink of adulthood, when we leave this place, reality is gonna hit us and the attitude of the people here, won't cut it.   
I lived my life so far trying to be perfect, hiding away who I was because I was so scared of how this town would react. But no one can live their life that way. I won't regret how I lived because I can't go back in time and change it anyways. But I refuse to hide out of fear any longer. This is when we get to say that our life is ours. This moment is when we choose who we want to be for the future. We only get a short time on earth, and I'm gonna use mine well.   
I still chose the path I chose, but now I'm chosing to change direction because I have found a piece of heaven on earth. I've known who I was all my life, but I suppressed it. Maybe I didn't have a choice, at the time, but at least I managed to keep that part of me alive for long enough for someone to rescue me. You can leave this place and follow in the muddy footprints of your parents, but I wanna feel that I'm alive. I wanna live life knowing that me being me is good enough. I wanna live life knowing that I did everything to use my time on earth well. As naive as it may sound, I wanna be happy, I wanna be strong and I wanna free. I am finally here, completely and honestly, here in front of all you. And I finally realize that my life is mine and only mine.  
None of you get to control it anymore. None of you get to tell me that who I am is wrong. I'll find my heaven with my girlfriend whom I love more than anything in the world. I don't need whatever definition of heaven you have. You can chose to shame me for being who I am, or you can look inside yourself to figure out if the person you are is who you truly want to be.   
It's your choice. That's the point of all of this. This is our time to make our choices. Who do you wanna be?   
If someone had asked me that question at the beginning of the year, I'd probably say that I wanted to be perfect. But if you ask me now then the simple answer is; me. I want to be me. As long as I am myself, I'll be happy and I'll be proud. As Katya once told me, be yourself, and if no one likes that; change. That doesn't mean changing something like your sexuality. But if you act like an asshole and everyone knows that about you, you might wanna do something about it. So, make your choice, who do you wanna be?   
Thank you, and congratulations on graduating." I say as I leave the stage entirely instead of sitting down on my assigned seat, smirking as I see the shocked people around me. 

A couple long seconds pass before Katya, her family, Courtney, Adore, Tatianna, Farrah, and my mom start cheering, and to my surprise a large part of the student body and their families join in afterwards. Courtney takes my hand as I pass her, giving it a squeeze before I walk to an empty seat, a sense of pride filling my entire body.

I did it.  
I actually did it.


	33. Forever In Your Arms

_**Katya** _

"You really are a fucking badass, you know that?" I tell Trixie after the ceremony, pulling her into a tight hug. 

She leans in to kiss me, and I feel my heart beat out of my chest. Finally we can kiss in front of everyone, not giving a damn about their opinions. 

"I'm so proud of you, Trix, seriously. What you did today, that took a lot of courage." I say as I push a loose strand of curly hair behind her ear, loving the way those soft curls frame her face in a way her straightened hair never could. For some reason, I find the fact that she's been letting her hair be in it's natural state lately to be oddly symbolic.

"Thank you, Katya." She replies, just as we hear someone clear their throat behind us which grabs our attention.

"Hi Trixie. I just wanna apologize... I didn't really agree with Alyssa's views, and I should have supported you more. I actually don't even think Alyssa agrees with her views, but it's what we're taught, you know? But I think.. if you give her time, she'll come around in the end. And yeah.. I hope you can forgive me." Blair tells Trixie in a soft voice, clearly feeling very guilty.

"Of course I can forgive you." Trixie says without an ounce of hesitation before she wraps her friend up in a hug.

She really has a kind heart, I admire that about her. Even if people hurt her alot, she tries her best to look for their good sides, almost to a fault. Of course, her own fears denied her that for a while, which resulted in Tatianna and Adore thinking she hated them. But once her walls came down, her heart won, and no one can help but like that girl when her acts are guided by her heart. 

"So, when are you lovebirds leaving for Boston?" Tatianna asks as she, Adore, Farrah and Courtney walks over to us.

"Tomorrow. My parents finally decided on a house, and Trixie's mom found an apartment right around the corner, so we're wasting no time." I reply.

"Wow, can't say I don't envy you guys. You're in love and you get to leave this town right away." Courtney says.

"Well, you'll be off to college soon too." I respond.

"Yeah, but moving from here is still months away. But at least this town might be busy talking about Trixie's speech for a while." The blonde says.

"I wish I was going to college, but I think I'm gonna try to move to LA instead. I've been sending out demos to some record labels and they've been quite positive, so I think I'm gonna go and try my luck." Adore says.

"That's brave, but it's really cool. You have an amazing voice." Trixie interjects.

"Thanks Trixie." Adore says, clearly a little surprised as even tho Trixie has apologized for her behavior towards Tatianna and Adore, she's never actually complimented them like that.

"You're welcome." She says with a shy smile. I put my arm around her waist and pull her close to me, a proud smile shining brightly on my face.

"Who would have known, huh? That we'd end senior year with Trixie Mattel, little miss perfect, coming out to everyone? Who had that in their predictions?" Tatianna says jokingly.

"Well, not me. That's for sure." Trixie replies with a giggle, making everyone laugh.

It's nice and it's peaceful. And while the watchful eyes of the town still gaze at us, their hateful words no longer spew from their lips. 

"Well, we'd better get going. We have a lot left to pack." I say.

"Goodbye, and good luck to you both." Farrah says as she pulls Trixie into a tight hug. 

"You better call me." Courtney tells us both sternly.

"We will, don't worry." Trixie replies. 

The hugging circle continues until we've made the round and then we make our way back home. As we pack up our belongings in boxes and suitcases, I can't help but marvel at how far we've come. Tatianna was right, it really is remarkable where we've ended up.

"Katya, what do you wanna do in Boston? Other then get away from here I mean." Trixie says as she wraps a picture frame in bubble wrap. 

"I don't know, dive further into art maybe? I mean, my gymnastics career is over and I can't really see myself doing anything academic. But I think I'd like to draw more. Or maybe I'll try to become a tattoo artist? I don't know really, but I'd like to do something artistic." I tell her.

"I think that fits you, and you're great at drawing, I'm sure people would buy your stuff." Trixie says before looking down shyly, a blush coating her cheeks. "Also, the idea of you being a tattoo artist is kinda hot." She adds in a mumble. I walk over to her and wrap her up in my arms from behind.

"Oh, is it now?" I whisper in her ear before leaning down to kiss her neck.

"Mhmm. Really hot, actually." She replies biting her lip.

"Well, I'll just have to become that then." I reply with a slight as I kiss her cheek.

This.   
This right here.   
This is what life should be.  
This is what forever should feel like.


	34. Our Perfect Life

_**Trixie** _

"Welcome home!" Katya yells as I enter my dormroom making me jump and scream.

"Jesus christ, you scared me! How did you even get in here?" I ask as I sit down on the bed, trying to calm my beating heart.

"Amy let me in." She replies. Amy is one of my roommates along with Kim, both are amazing people who I get along with very well.

"I wanted to surprise you, were you surprised?" Katya asks, sounding like she's trying to either be a pirate or an old man.

"I screamed at the top of my lungs, of course I was surprised." I reply. 

"Good. I missed you." She says as she pushes me down on the bed and connects her lips with mine. 

We're a tangled mess on the tiny bed, her on top of me, legs in between eachother, arms awkwardly placed wherever they fit, and yet I can't think of anything more perfect.

Life in Boston turned out the way we wanted. Katya's parents opened a bookstore right after we moved here, it doesn't make a lot of money, but that doesn't matter to them. My mom got a job at a diner, and it's going well so far. The divorce went through, and she got a lot of the money, but I think she enjoys having something to do all day and chatting to the customers. She spent years locked up in that house, almost only meeting people when grocery shopping and at church, but now she's around people all the time. It also helps that we have regular dinners with Katya and her family. Katya's currently training to be a tattoo artist, and she's even managed to sell some of her paintings. She's convinced her first tattoo as a fully trained artist will be on me, but I'm still on the fence about it.

"Right here, you should get something right here." Katya says as she touches the bare skin at the front of my hipbone, having pushed my skirt up to my waist.

"But what if someone sees it?" I argue.

"Who's gonna look at your hip? It might be slightly seen in a bathing suit or bikini, but otherwise, who the hell are you worried about?" Katya says.

"Well, I don't know..." I say shyly as I see a possessive gaze cloud her eyes. 

She pushes herself down until her head hovers above the spot in question. She sucks dark red and purple marks, licking and biting the skin as she moves around the area. I moan loudly as my fingers tangle themselves in her hair, and I don't know if I want to pull her away or push her down further. Katya lifts her head seconds later, removing my hands and holding them in her own as she leans her chin on my upper thigh, her eyes looking up at me.

"See, this area is mine and only mine, no one else will see, no one else will know, and no one else will touch. Got it?" She says in a deep tone, a smirk coating her lips.

"Yes." I answer breathlessly. 

"Good, so we're in agreement." She answers, her mood changing to that of an excited kid in less then a second.

"Hey, that does not mean I'm gonna let you push a needle through my skin!" I argue.

"Okay, then I'll just tattoo it with my lips every single day for the rest of your life. If I can't sign it with ink, I'll sign it with kisses." She replies hugging me close to her.

"You're a dork." I say.

"And you love it, also you're the one who's willingly joining Harvard's mathlete team." 

"It's fun!" I reply.

"You have such a wierd definition of fun." She says.

"Don't mock me, I'll kick you out of this dorm." I threaten.

"Fine, then I'll deny you sex for a week." She responds.

"Okay, okay, truce." I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Truce." She replies, taking my chin in her hand before leaning in for a proper kiss.

Everything is finally perfect.  
I've got freshly colored cotton candy hair that always hangs in large curls, fluctuating but generally high grades, a path that's as winding as they come, and I'm most definitely not straight.

And that's okay.  
I like it that way.  
Because a life with her, any life with her, will always be perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for supporting this story! As per usual I'm starting a new Trixya story right away. This one is based around demons, and it's called Priestess of Darkness. I've also got other Trixya stories and some one shots, so please consider checking them out.
> 
> Again, thank you all so much for loving this and happy holidays to everyone ♡


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